Five Television Pitches

It's no secret to anyone that television is in a piss-poor state right now. If it isn't reality shows about rich bitches and their superficial problems, it's reality shows about poor bitches and their superficial problems. Situation comedies are all pale imitations of Married With Children and the once lofty genre of Drama has been reduced to hour-long sobfests about mismatched nail polish and an ever-revolving cache of infidelity. The reason television programming is so terrible should be evident to almost everyone: the entire entertainment industry uses way too much cocaine. Not to worry, though! I have concocted five, sure-fire pitches that will skyrocket any network's market share from 88% to 90%--maybe more--and all I ask in return is that a semblance of quality return to television programming so I can enjoy it more regularly. And I also want cocaine. Lots and lots of cocaine.

Make Room for Ethel
Situation Comedy

Billy Momzers (Jake Lloyd) is a normal, teenaged American boy in every respect, except for one: his best friend is the ghost of his dead, horny grandmother, Ethel Momzers (Betty White). She loves Billy very much, but is over-sexed and can’t resist peeking in on Billy in the shower and giving him masturbation tips. At first, Billy is annoyed by his Grandmother’s interference, but he falls in love with her after a while. Though their incestual, paranormal love is forbidden by both the laws of man and the laws of space and time, Billy and Mabel continue their affair until the show loses steam, and Billy commits suicide during the show’s finale in order to be with Ethel forevermore.

Maple & Oaks
Crime-Drama

New York City: a steaming cesspool of fecal matter and human waste and shit. The kind of place where you’d just as soon wind up with your face plastered along a lonely gutter as you would find yourself third from the left in the Rockettes’ line-up, kicking your feet to the sky. I work here; my name is Frank Maple (Tommy Lee Jones), and I’m an employee of the New York City Parks Department.
You see a lot of trash in the New York City’s parks and playgrounds. A lot of stuff you probably don’t want to know about. My job is to make sure that you never do. I can clean a square mile of park with my garbage-sticker before you can make a sandwich. Not a small sandwich of just some cold cuts and a slice of folded over white bread, but a serious sandwich, with mustard, some pickles, two kinds of meat, cheese, and lettuce and tomatoes. If you like sprouts, you can put those on, too. I’m just saying that if you’re really going to test my time cleaning a square mile of park against your making a sandwich, let’s be a little fair here. You can’t put Cheez Whiz on a cracker and call it a sandwich. I’m not scared, I just want to lay out a few ground rules.
I’m a bit of a loner, myself, and that’s why I bristled when my boss Sargeant Fenderson (Elliot Gould) assigned me a new partner. Name’s Susan Oaks (Mila Kunis) and she’s fresh out of Botany School. She’s a little green around the edges, always babbling on about some plant or another, but she’s growing on me over time. To be honest, she couldn’t find a better partner to show her the ropes of this messy trash-sticking biz. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll learn a thing or two from her.

Dinner With Dennis
Game Show

Three contestants are picked randomly from the audience and each stands at their own podium equipped with a buzzer. Host Dennis Miller greets each guest with some mindless blather, and then the game begins: Dennis goes into a monologue, supposedly about current events, and every time a contestant laughs, he or she is asked to explain what is so funny. If the contestant is able to justifiably explain their laughter, they earn points. The contestant with the most points after two rounds earns the right to go into the Lightning Round, where you face-off with Dennis Miller (on a “dinner time” set) and attempt to decipher a flurry of buzz words, newspeak, and plain ol’ gobbeldy-gook. The real genius of the game show is that, since no one can ever justify having laughed at one of Dennis Miller’s jokes, technically no one can score in the initial two rounds.

The God Couple
Situation Comedy

Jesus Christ (Timothy Bottoms) is an upstanding, cheerful individual with just one problem: He’s the son of God, and no one believes Him. No one, that is, except for His annoying best friend Judas Iscariot (Corin Nemec) that grew up next door to Jesus and is always nipping at His heels. When Jesus leaves Nazareth to spread His gospel, of course Judas wants to tag along with hilarious consequences. Where Jesus is fastidious, Judas is slovenly; where Jesus appreciates fine art and theatre, Judas enjoys fart jokes and football. Can this mismatched pair put aside their differences and learn to live together for the greater good? Or will Judas sell out Jesus to the Romans for a pouch of gold coins? Tune in to find out!

Hollywood Tonight!
Reality Television

Paris Hilton pisses her pants in public then drunkenly gropes quasi-celebrities and pretends to be annoyed at paparazzi while ensuring that her “good side” is showing, meanwhile Lindsay Lohan pukes unceremoniously into a potted plant on Hollywood Blvd. as her dress falls off her depleted, almost skeletal, body, and simultaneously Nicole Richie blows the Denver Broncos in the lobby of the MGM Grand for kicks and then acts surprised when she swallows the last load and discovers that she has drawn a sizeable audience.