Childrens' Letters to God

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
- Larry

Dear Larry,
You may have something there. To be perfectly honest, I've always felt like I could have handled the whole thing with Adam and Eve a little better. Maybe I could have put up a fence around the tree that yielded the Fruits of Knowledge, or maybe I could have set Adam and Eve up in a temporary shelter when I kicked them out of the Garden. Ah, c'est la vie. It was kind of a no-brainer that their kids would turn out to be a couple of assholes, given their situation growing up. As for you and your brother, he will kill you on your wedding night in 2021.
Love, God

Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
-Elliott

Dear Elliott,
I'm flattered, really, but I don't go that way, dude. Try to move on.
Love (as a friend), God

Dear God,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
- Jane

Dear Jane,
That's why my clients ask me when I get back! LOL! Seriously, Heaven, Inc. usually hires a temp or someone to make sure the filing doesn't get out of hand, but being the only onmiscient, omnipotent being in the Universe, it's kind of a lot to expect a temporary worker to handle every situation. And of course the day I go on vacation, there's a tsunami or an earthquake or some kind of religious bombing that needs My attention! I tell you, Jane, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!
Love, God

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear Donna,
Legal restraints forbid me from discussing particulars about the case, but we have been in litigation with Edison's estate for some time and we hope to reach an agreement soon.
Love, God

Dear God,
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
- Mickey

Dear Mickey,
Sunday is My day off, you know. I'll tell you what: since I'm all-seeing, I'll just take a peek at them in your closet, and then try to picture how they'll look in church on Sunday, okay?
Love, God

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
- Bruce

Dear Bruce,
I did look it up, and it looks like this isn't the first time you've asked for something from My organization. It says here that in 1998, you prayed that you would get a Teletubby for Christmas, and you did. Then in 2002, you prayed that your mother would make your favorite dinner, spaghetti and meatballs, and she did. Then just last year you prayed that the Red Sox would win the World Series, and they did. The way I see it, Bruce, you owe me.
Love, God

Dear God,
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Mary Horton, because I hate her.
- Denise

Dear Denise,
Don't be silly! You couldn't possibly come back as Mary Horton because she already exists. Believing in reincarnation is a mortal sin, anyway. When you die, Mary Horton is going to be the least of your worries.
Love, God

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
- Ruth M.

Dear Ruth,
Thanks very much for expressing interest in our organization. We are dedicated to providing reliable, quality service to our clients, and I hope you have found us to be personable and dependable. Please accept these money-saving coupons as a token of our gratitude for your continued support, and we hope you will keep choosing God for all your future spiritual needs. If we can be of any assistance in the future, please do not hesitate to contact us.
Sincerely, Peter
Undersecretary to God

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.
- Eugene

Dear Eugene,
You would have thought it was cooler if you were tripping balls like I was. Heavy.
Love, God