Real Reality Programming
Seems to me that more and more people are getting sucked into "reality" television programming by the moment. It's no secret that folks are more involved in what their favorite reality stars are up to than what their elected politicians are doing or what our foreign policy is. And you know, that's fine. Politics is fucking boring, but chicks puking on television is great. The best part is that these programs can often be made for next to nothing, so Hollywood and the entertainment industry can get richer than they ever have before. So you see it is a win-win situation.
Still, I can't help but feel like reality television can be harnessed for some good in this world. It's impossible for a force this powerful not to have some beneficial applications. So I've devised five new reality programs with a mind towards easing the ills of society and the world at large. As long as you stay glued to your television every night, we can make this world a better place.
Who Wants to Be a Fed Person?
This show can really be done anywhere that people are starving: Ethiopia, Cambodia, Detroit, etc. The premise is very simple. Just get a predetermined group of starving people and make them earn points towards a square meal. Obviously these people will be famished, so physical stunts are out of the question. I'm thinking it should be more like a game show, where you ask contestants multiple choice questions and award points for right answers. For example, a query could be "who is God?" and the options are: a) ethereal essence that binds the universe, b) fictional construct created by mankind to explain phenomena, c) Jesus Christ. I'm not going to give away the answer, but let's just say that the meal awarded at the end of each episode will not be kosher or halal.
Dubya Dare
This one's based on that old Nickelodeon game show, Double Dare, except that it shouldn't be hosted by an obsessive-compulsive neurotic weirdo. Instead, contestants will be flown to various Middle Eastern countries to flush out terrorists and uncover caches of weapons. There will be a time limit, and various obstacles like families and the homes they live in will need to be overcome. However, contestants will be equipped with the latest military technology and a twenty-thousand person standing army, which should even the odds a little bit. Keep in mind that the tasks required for this show are very dangerous! For this reason, contestants will be required to wear goggles whenever attempting to complete a raid.
Whose Lie is It Anyway?
A contestant, picked at random from the studio audience, will be presented with three hidden politicians who present their policy or make a statement. The contestant then must figure out which statements are true and which are false. The trick here is that almost all the statements are false, so contestants will wrack their brains trying to discern a truth that simply isn't there. And if the contestant starts wising up, you can throw in a truth which seems so outlandish that they will most likely assume it is false, for example, that Halliburton is helping to develop Iran's nuclear program.
Punch Paris Hilton in the Face
Not really a game as much as it is a public service. Paris is held in place by stocks and chains and the audience lines up to give her one good punch apiece. Biggest problem with this show will be allocating the stadium necessary to hold said audience.
End Times Survivor
A bunch of contestants have to beat the clock and warn everyone that Global Warming is real and that we are feeling the repurcussions of it before the human race extinguishes itself. They may pick one thing to aid them from a select group of items, including rising oceanic temperature statistics, graphs depicting ozone layer depletion, and Al Gore. Smart players will try to turn environmental awareness into positive monetary gain as they try to persuade heads of pollution-causing corporations; less astute players will harass people in SUV's and get the snot kicked out of them. For this one, we can award as grandiose a prize as can be possibly imagined, because even if a contestant completes the goal and convinces the world about Global Warming, it is still too late to do anything about it. The human race is just fucked.
Still, I can't help but feel like reality television can be harnessed for some good in this world. It's impossible for a force this powerful not to have some beneficial applications. So I've devised five new reality programs with a mind towards easing the ills of society and the world at large. As long as you stay glued to your television every night, we can make this world a better place.
Who Wants to Be a Fed Person?
This show can really be done anywhere that people are starving: Ethiopia, Cambodia, Detroit, etc. The premise is very simple. Just get a predetermined group of starving people and make them earn points towards a square meal. Obviously these people will be famished, so physical stunts are out of the question. I'm thinking it should be more like a game show, where you ask contestants multiple choice questions and award points for right answers. For example, a query could be "who is God?" and the options are: a) ethereal essence that binds the universe, b) fictional construct created by mankind to explain phenomena, c) Jesus Christ. I'm not going to give away the answer, but let's just say that the meal awarded at the end of each episode will not be kosher or halal.
Dubya Dare
This one's based on that old Nickelodeon game show, Double Dare, except that it shouldn't be hosted by an obsessive-compulsive neurotic weirdo. Instead, contestants will be flown to various Middle Eastern countries to flush out terrorists and uncover caches of weapons. There will be a time limit, and various obstacles like families and the homes they live in will need to be overcome. However, contestants will be equipped with the latest military technology and a twenty-thousand person standing army, which should even the odds a little bit. Keep in mind that the tasks required for this show are very dangerous! For this reason, contestants will be required to wear goggles whenever attempting to complete a raid.
Whose Lie is It Anyway?
A contestant, picked at random from the studio audience, will be presented with three hidden politicians who present their policy or make a statement. The contestant then must figure out which statements are true and which are false. The trick here is that almost all the statements are false, so contestants will wrack their brains trying to discern a truth that simply isn't there. And if the contestant starts wising up, you can throw in a truth which seems so outlandish that they will most likely assume it is false, for example, that Halliburton is helping to develop Iran's nuclear program.
Punch Paris Hilton in the Face
Not really a game as much as it is a public service. Paris is held in place by stocks and chains and the audience lines up to give her one good punch apiece. Biggest problem with this show will be allocating the stadium necessary to hold said audience.
End Times Survivor
A bunch of contestants have to beat the clock and warn everyone that Global Warming is real and that we are feeling the repurcussions of it before the human race extinguishes itself. They may pick one thing to aid them from a select group of items, including rising oceanic temperature statistics, graphs depicting ozone layer depletion, and Al Gore. Smart players will try to turn environmental awareness into positive monetary gain as they try to persuade heads of pollution-causing corporations; less astute players will harass people in SUV's and get the snot kicked out of them. For this one, we can award as grandiose a prize as can be possibly imagined, because even if a contestant completes the goal and convinces the world about Global Warming, it is still too late to do anything about it. The human race is just fucked.
posted by Reggie Hemingway at
11:41 AM
1 Comments
