The Good, the Bad, and the Mediocre

Crusading Principal/Teacher Movies

The Good:
Lean On Me

The events depicted in the movie, based on the true story of Principal Joe Clark and his crusade to save Eastside High School in Paterson, New Jersey, unfolded when I was still in elementary school. I attended with a largely white, middle-class bunch of Smurf-loving students, for whom drug abuse meant taking extra Flintstones chewable vitamins in the morning while mom had her back turned. Still, my principal at the time was inspired by the heavy-handed antics of Mr. Clark, and he began to overuse his megaphone to belt firm words of encouragement as children sat in the lunchroom, attentively, with their hands folded. I’m not sure if it was due to the stern efforts of my principal, but I can say that there were no shootings or stabbings at my grammar school during the entire time that I attended.

This movie is great, featuring a commanding performance by Morgan Freeman as Clark. The moment the titles begin, to the wailing strains of “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses, you are treated to a high school that resembles a prison more than it does an institution of learning: a girl gets her shirt ripped off in the girl’s bathroom and is fondled in the hallway, a well-dressed drug dealer with a briefcase full of his wares is let into the building through a fire exit, and a teacher has his head beaten against the floor until his eyes roll back into his head and it is splattered with blood. Freeman is called in to bring the school back to code, which he begins by immediately expelling several hundred offending students. The most memorable character, however, is Thomas Sams, a chubby student played by Jermaine “Huggy” Hopkins. His best scene is when Freeman takes him up to the high school roof and instructs him to jump, since he’s already ruining his life by smoking crack. Hopkins blubbers, “You can’t kick me outta school, Mister Clark, I can’t tell my mom I got kick’d outta school.” Hip-hop fans will also remember him as the guy who hung out with Queens-based rappers The Lost Boyz, smoking lots of cheeba and probably eating them out of house and home.

The Bad:
The Principal

Sometimes a movie is made that joins two actors, each from difference acting disciplines, and the result is some amazing on-screen chemistry that entertains and delights audiences. This movie does not feature that kind of chemistry. This movie joins Jim Belushi and Louis Gossett, Jr. in a fictional story about their attempt to save a crime-ridden high school from drugs, gangs, and violence. Belushi plays Rick Latimer, a grade school teacher who is “promoted” to principal of the failing Brandel High by his ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend, who I guess is on the board of education or something. It’s payback to Belushi for kicking his ass in the first scene. Immediately, Belushi teams up with the school’s head of security, played by Lou Gossett, and they tangle with the biggest bad boy in the school, Vic, played by Michael Wright—that’s right, the guy from The Five Heartbeats. So what you’ve got here is a pudgy principal who comes off about as tough as Andy Milonakis, and a bad guy who was still fondly remembered as a reformed thief from the V television miniseries. Belushi sets the pace for this clunky piece of crap, seeming uncomfortable on his motorcycle, unrealistic during drawn-out fight scenes, and awkward when delivering the simplest dialogue. Gossett gives a passionless performance as well. The movie climaxes with a bizarre game of hide and seek between Belushi and Wright in the school shower, which for some reason is divided into various, rusty cubicles and looks more like the de-lousing station at Ellis Island than it does a high school locker room. My high school had very few violence problems, and there weren’t any working showers in the gym. Of course, my high school principal didn’t ride a motorcycle or give impassioned speeches to a disinterested student body, either. This is why New York City has such a low quality of education.

The Mediocre:
Stand and Deliver

This movie I haven’t seen in quite a while, but I did watch it about a dozen times on HBO around 1989. It’s about rebel math teacher Jaime Escalante, well played by Edward James Olmos, and his struggle to escalate the test scores of a bunch of wayward youths from the barrio. Like Lean On Me, this movie was based on a true story, but unlike Lean On Me, it is a story that probably didn’t need to be told on film. I get it, the children are our future and an education is the best defense against adult shiftlessness, but stories like this are a dime a dozen. I know it won all kinds of awards, and it’s a very good movie, but pales next to the others in its genre. Olmos never beats the shit out of anyone, there are no brutal rape scenes, and the students give relatively believable performances. What this movie needed was a climactic showdown between Olmos and a gang leader, fought on motorcycles while whipping chains at each other. Olmos’ comb-over would be flapping wildly in the wind as he screams epithets in Spanish and uses the power of calculus to determine his opponent’s next move. The film also could have used some more comic relief, maybe in the form of Jermaine “Huggy” Hopkins. He does affect a Spanish accent just before a key scene in Lean On Me, when Morgan Freeman listens to he and his cohorts sing an updated, gospel version of the school song in the boy’s bathroom. Someone do the world a favor and upload his rap album, Chunk But Funky on Ichiban Records

The Bell Tolls at Midnight

The still night was broken by the muttering of a silent oath by a Derringer .45. A body slumped to the floor with an agonizing groan. The doctor was dead, murdered by an intruder that absconded through the open window. Within moments, police arrived on the scene.

"What's all this here, then?" exclaimed Sergeant Jerome, mopping his brow with a handkerchief. He was winded and sweaty from hauling his massive frame up four flights of stairs. Four beat cops surveyed the crime scene and mined it for clues. A court reporter snapped photos for the morning edition. The body, a well-respected doctor of bloodology, lay grotesquely prostrate over a model of the human uterus. Sergeant Jerome let out a low whistle and said, "Mom is going to be absolutely distraught." The sergeant and the doctor were brothers. I forgot to mention that before.

Before long, world famous Detective Robinson arrived and took in the all too familiar scene before him. "I see a death like this every day," he muttered, "and it never gets any easier." He nervously flipped a playing card between his index and middle finger as he looked about the room. Right next to the corpse, he saw an overturned curio box, ornately carved and well varnished. Detective Robinson picked it up and examined it carefully. It was empty, but he was sure it was a clue.

Robinson pressed a small button on the bottom of the box, revealing a false bottom. Underneath a small panel of wood, the detective discovered a will and a silver ring with an emerald inlay. He removed the ring and examined it in the sunlight. It glinted off every facet, giving the gem an unearthly glow.

"I know who the killer is," announced Detective Robinson, "and it is someone in this room." By this time, there were a dozen people in the room, including the doctor's wife, his butler, a man from whom he purchased groceries every weekend. Each of them had reason to kill the doctor, a point which I neglected to reveal earlier. Also, his brother, Sergeant Jerome, walked with a distinct limp and always kept his right hand in his front pants pocket. The suspects looked at each other nervously, then one stepped forward, gun drawn. "You'll never catch me alive, copper!" he screamed, and leapt out the window and ran down the street. Detective Robinson was crestfallen. The man who fled was his son, who he thought had died in a fire ten years earlier but who had contacted him that very morning for the first time since the tragedy. A grandfather clock in the doctor's mansion began to strike the hour. "The bell tolls at midnight," sighed Detective Robinson, and he crushed the doctor's wife to his mouth for a breathy kiss. This was going to be one of those cases.

Year End Wrap-Up

In the annals of history, 2007 will probably be remembered as the least-significant pre-Apocalypse year of this century. It wasn't a great year, it wasn't even a good year. It was a mediocre year, and considering how things have been in the world lately, a mediocre year is still above average. The folks at steady bloggin' decided to sit down and have a virtual pow wow about the important events of 2007, which turned out to be a handful of crummy albums and movies and some strange news items. Enjoy the poignant and strange ramblings of Alaska, Vanderslice, Kalel, Piff Tannen, Philaflava, and yours truly. Thanks to all of steady bloggin's steady readers, we hope to have a productive and entertaining 2008.




Jay-Z, American Gangster

ALASKA: More like Boring McBoringson

KALEL: My favorite album of his since Blueprint. But then again I'm a sucker for strings and guitars.

VANDERSLICE: Old Dog with Old Tricks.. wack beats, wack raps, Jigga man should've called upon Just Blaze.

REGGIE: I think it’s great that Hova was inspired by a movie to return to his glory years of rapping about drug dealing.

PIFF: I watched the story tellers. it was aiight, but i didnt check out the album cos the 9 hour movie took up all my time and interest.

PHILAFLAVA: Album came and went. Much better than Kingdom Come but after the leaks hit this album had very little replay. “Fallin,” Say Hello” and “Ignorant Shit” are all some of my favorite songs of ’07..

Radiohead's "Free or Outrageously Expensive" album release

KALEL: Great idea, but I don't like the ideas it spawned.

ALASKA: Freelicious

PIFF: It would be free for me either way. Donations is just another way to say "free."

VANDERSLICE: I've never listened to Radiohead, but I like the idea. I wonder how much money they made.

PHILAFLAVA: One of the best albums of the year. And a revolutionary change for music.

REGGIE: I understand that one must purchase this album to become an Omega-Level Scientologist.



Kanye West vs. 50 Cent

ALASKA: About as exciting as Rocky Balboa.

REGGIE: Kanye should have Just Blaze pass 50 Cent a note in homeroom. It’s obvious that they “like” like each other.

KALEL: My favorite artist of 2007. "Stronger" still knocks the shit out of "I Get Money"

VANDERSLICE: I wish it would have had a 2Pac & Biggie effect where they both died.

PHILAFLAVA: Who cares? Both their albums were extremely underwhelming, but I suppose Kanye won the battle, although I’m sure he could care less after losing the biggest asset in his life.

DJ Khaled: Really the beeeeessssst?

KALEL: Reminds me of the kid at the lunch table that wasn't really cool, he just lived next door to the cool kids so he was "cool by geographical association".

ALASKA: Isnt he an Arab? How has Homeland Security allowed this to happen.

VANDERSLICE: Not even second best, or third best.. or good period.

PHILAFLAVA: I can’t wait for his stomach to explode like Stay Puft and all of South Beach will be covered in marshmallows.

REGGIE: DJ Khaled is like an inexperienced chef that puts too many ingredients in his soup. Or, more literally, orders a soup from a restaurant that has too many ingredients in it. Then he adds motor oil.

PIFF: I don't know how many dicks this dude had to suck to get to where he is at, but he must have done a great job to be able to yell over ginormous posse cuts that sound like all the rappers do is watch old episodes of Miami Vice. I mean really good, cock and balls into the mouth at once.



Lil Wayne: Greatest Rapper Alive(?)

PIFF: No.

ALASKA: Had his moment, then of course that moment ended and the hilarity began.

KALEL: He stinks. If this was 1994 he'd be boo'ed out the game for biting someone elses style.

VANDERSLICE: I'd rather be deaf than listen to Lil Wayne.

REGGIE: I started to get into his music once I realized that he is severely mentally retarded.

PHILAFLAVA: He’s top 5 current, but he isn’t even close to be labeled the greatest anything. In fact, when he retires I’d be surprised if anyone had this dude on their top 25 list. He’s schtick is entertaining, kinda like Noreaga back in in the late 90’s, but just because you keep up with pop culture and constantly make reference to 80’s throwbacks despite being born in 1982, doesn’t make you the greatest anything except hype.

The UGK album everyone hyped up pre-release and subsequently stopped talking about the minute it dropped

VANDERSLICE: UGK.. one down.. one to go..

ALASKA: I met Bun B in Houston, he was hella cool.

REGGIE: RIP Pimp C.

KALEL: I'm a big fan of UGK, and I don't even think Houston was excited about the album until Pimp C died. Sad state.

PIFF: RIP Pimp C, I ain't heard it yet. I'm still listenin to "Ridin Dirty".

PHILAFLAVA: I blame this on the leaked material. It was a double album and more than half was leaked months (even a year for some) before it dropped. It is still one of the best LP’s of ’07, if not the best,.

Transformers: The Movie

ALASKA: I hate cars and robots.

PIFF: I knew which Transformer was the black one as soon as I saw him.

KALEL: Check on the rep, yep, second to none. Dope movie.

PHILAFLAVA: Didn’t see. But I adore Fox so I plan on it

VANDERSLICE: No soundwave, no Vanderslice. Fuck that new wave shit

REGGIE: I’m glad they distinguished the theatrical release as The Movie, as opposed to Transformers: The Overhyped Marketing Campaign or Transformers: The Toy Brand Desperately Clung To By Hapless Thirty-somethings.

The Simpsons Movie

ALASKA: I fell asleep three different times.

KALEL: Eighty minutes of pink frosted covered goodness. Could've been more, but good enough for me.

VANDERSLICE: Skipped it. The Simpsons haven't been dope in 10 years.

REGGIE: The first third was pretty funny, then it fell off. A microcosm for the entire series.

PIFF: I bought the DVD but still havent watched it. If the movie cant top the "Treehouse of Horrors" with the vomiting frog, I will be disappointed.

PHILAFLAVA: This was equivalent to Kanye’s Graduation album.

Live Free or Die Hard

PIFF: Die Hard is right, it took forever for people to die in this clusterfuck of a movie. Live Gay or Die Gay should be this movie's name.

ALASKA: Has that dude in it.

VANDERSLICE: Skipped it, Die Hard with a Vengeance was the absolute rooftop for the series.

REGGIE: Well of course Bruce Willis can live free, he gets Social Security and Medicare. I would live free too if I had a nurse to feed me prunes and wipe my bottom.

PHILAFLAVA: Didn’t see because I hate that Apple commercial dude.

300

PHILAFLAVA: Good, but overhyped by net nerds and virgins.

ALASKA: Only thing gayer than Will and Grace.

KALEL: Biggest dissapointment for me. Really looked forward to it, Heard great things about it. Then I saw it.... It was like watching a really cool music video, but that's about it.

PIFF: All historical/social gripes aside, this is a man's movie. I was almost moved to tears at the end. No homo.

VANDERSLICE: Stupid romans.. I never seen this, nor will I ever.

REGGIE: I thought the title was a description of the movie’s length in minutes, so I passed on it.

TMNT

ALASKA: Is that anything like YOTMB??

KALEL: Loved it!

VANDERSLICE: I didn't see this either.. Casey Jones was that dude.. was he in it?

REGGIE: I’m glad that someone finally went and did a more realistic movie about mutant turtles that do kung-fu under the guidance of a wizened rat.

Are We Done Yet?

PIFF: Ice Cube is still trying to release gangsta albums afer making these movies. Historical status aside in rap, nigga, are you done making garbage ass movies yet?

ALASKA: Sadly, Ice Cube fell off and now he is dragging Katt Williams and Tracy Morgan down with him.

VANDERSLICE: Ice Cube went from the wrong nigga to fuck wit' to the house nigga to hang out wit'. I don't know how he looks in the mirror, even with those huge bags of cash it's abominable.

REGGIE: I can’t wait to sit my child down and explain that the same person guest-starring on Sesame Street ain’t the one to get played like a pooh-butt.

PHILAFLAVA: I don’t have kids and I don’t care to see Ice Cube act, so no.

Spider-Man 3

PHILAFLAVA: Didn’t see this either. The teeth on Dunst bother me so much that I have avoided most of the Spider man movies.

VANDERSLICE: I didn't like this movie at all. The Sandman? In a real live action movie... Stupid idea, even sand packed and wet isn't doin’ shit.. just get a vacuum.. real stupid movie.

ALASKA: Watched it in Boise on IMAX. It sucked about as much as anything has ever sucked, it actually might have sucked more than everything that has ever sucked combined. Oh and Kirsten Dunst on a forty-foot HD screen is terrifying.

KALEL: I thought the dancing scene was hilarious personally, but it wasn't my favorite of the 3. Some of you nerds need to get a hold of yourselves and stop letting little shit ruin movies for you.

REGGIE: It was clever to pit the superhero against a spider’s natural enemy: sand.

PIFF: Movie was garbage. I could kick this Spider-Man's ass. He used to be my favorite super hero, and now he is a flaming homo doing the tango in a bar. Also, im glad to see Topher Grace playing venom the same way he played Eric Foreman. Judging from that, I could kick Venom's ass too.

Knocked Up

REGGIE: I thought this was a boxing movie.

ALASKA: Saw it mad times.

VANDERSLICE: I never saw it for one reason or another, I just remember hearing the lead role bitch in a movie called Knocked Up doesn't get naked.. so I passed for lack of realism.

PHILAFLAVA: I thought it was great when it first came out, then I went back to it and realize it wasn’t as great, but still really good.

Superbad

PHILAFLAVA: Great movie. This is like the American Pie of the new generation. I can see people going back to this a lot. A lot of memorable stuff.

ALASKA: Michael Cera is gold.

KALEL: Sooooooo glad the "McLovin" fad has died down. Wonderful movie though.

VANDERSLICE: The best movie to come out in 2007 EASILY.

REGGIE: Honestly, I wasn’t so impressed by this movie. I thought the McLovin stuff with the cops was great, but otherwise the story seemed awkward and unformed. The jokes were so transparent that you got them before the set-up was done, and then they drove them into the ground. It is a good movie, just not as funny as it was hyped to be.

PIFF: Great flick, not as funny as Knocked Up to me, but still solid as shit. I want to stick my face in Katherin Keigl's buttcheeks and fall asleep.

Iraq

ALASKA: We are about a quarter of the way through this war.

KALEL: Even with the war and protests against it, we still aren't seeing demonstrations akin to those seen in the 60's and 70's. Iraq has exposed more about the American people than the American government.

VANDERSLICE: The Iraqi people have been at war forever, democracy isn't going to stop it.

REGGIE: The first thing we need to do is stop them from using the letter Q inappropriately. Everything else will fall into place.

PIFF: Call of Duty 4

PHILAFLAVA: "It’s the bomb baby, the bomb baby…”



Looming war in Iran

ALASKA: Not as good as the original.

KALEL: Not looking forward to it. Can't all of these disputes be settled in the Olympics like the good ol' days?

VANDERSLICE: Rocky 7 fights in the Sudan.. cause If I can change.. WE can change.. EVERYBODY CAN CHANGEEEE

REGGIE: Come back Ayatolla Khomeni! All is forgiven!

PIFF: Call of Duty 5

Lisa Marie Nowak, the astronaut that drove to Florida wearing Pampers in an attempt to kidnap her lover

ALASKA: I mean who hasnt done this

PHILAFLAVA: I think Galvatron should turn this bitch out.

KALEL: Houston represent!

VANDERSLICE: Asians in Times Square did the same thing just to see the ball drop. I admire the dedication.

REGGIE: I like how the general reaction was like, “Oh, this lady drove across three states to kidnap her former lover and use sexual torture devices on him in her makeshift dungeon…but she wore DIAPERS? That bitch is CRAZY!”

PIFF: White people.

Nancy Pelosi (Democrat) becomes Speaker of the House

PHILAFLAVA: I have such a hard-on for this broad. She is truly a piece of ass.

ALASKA: I think her last name means 'ball' in Spanish

KALEL: Who?

VANDERSLICE: I wonder if she bakes cookies for congressional meetings.

REGGIE: I think she’s a great person to represent the ineffectualness of the Democratic party.

PIFF: Democrats and Republicans are the same. This is not news.



Bob Barker leaves The Price Is Right

KALEL: The most electrifying man in game show history. And he fucks mad bitches.

ALASKA: The Grey Trapezoid’s biggest victory to date.

PHILAFLAVA: Last time I saw Bob Barker on TV was when Adam Sandler beat him with a golf club.

PIFF: I mean, the nigga fought in the Civil War with Dick Clark, they both should get to retire and take a break.

VANDERSLICE: Drew Carey is addicted to hookers and gambling, what better place to be than The Price is Right?

Tony Blair resigns

ALASKA: Now he can dedicate more time to his witch project.

KALEL: ...and cleans his nose from GW's manhole.

REGGIE: I could never trust a man whose surname is a woman’s first name.

VANDERSLICE: Who gives a crap.. stupid British accent.. go suck on a fag and drop dead.

PHILAFLAVA: Sell-out.

PIFF: No more gay sex for Bush when he goes overseas.

The final Harry Potter novel

VANDERSLICE: Books are for queers.

PIFF: Call me when Harmoine turns eighteen.

KALEL: Everyone I've talked to loved it. I never got into them, but I hope they make a movie out of them one day.

REGGIE: I wanted to read this, then I remember that wizards and sorcery are for nerds and gay men.

ALASKA: Was great

PHILAFLAVA: I am not a homosexual, therefore I don’t read these homoerotic novels.



Barry Bonds

ALASKA: I think Congress should put all the issues of the day on the back burner and deal with this, because its important, like really important. Thank god for 24 hour sports news.

KALEL: He doesn't have a neck.

PIFF: I hate baseball and Barry Bonds is an asshole. I don't care what they do to him.

VANDERSLICE: I think they should let players use steroids and the people who don't use steroids should be allowed to use aluminum bats. Stupid Bonds is gonna end up like Lyle Alzado wearin bad headwraps and speaking in a soft HIV-like monotone voice.

PHILAFLAVA: Barry Bonds is practically O.J. without having killed anyone.

REGGIE: I think MLB should set up a separate facility for the Chemically-Enhanced Hall of Fame. Then Keith Hernandez could get in as the best player to use cocaine and Rogaine in a season.