The Good, the Bad, and the Mediocre

Invading Rubber Monster Movies

THE GOOD: The Giant Claw, 1957, b/w

As a fan of bad movies, I have to give the “Rubbery Monster Award” (which is, of course, made from rubber) to The Giant Claw, a movie as senseless as it is incomprehensible. Perhaps the most confusing thing about this movie is that, despite the title, it is not a giant claw that threatens mankind, per se, but the giant bird from outer space that’s attached to it. There’s an interminably long phony science montage that takes up nearly a third of the film, but you’ll be enraptured by the gigantic, googly-eyed bird once you get a glimpse of him. He’s kind of a cross between Grover from The Muppet Show and a length of vacuum cleaner hose. Will the hard-jawed scientist convince the harder-jawed Army colonel to go along with his hare-brained schemes, or will the Giant Bird with a Giant Claw terrorize humanity until it gets bored and flies away? What do you think?

“Ooh, you meanies! I’ll give you such a pinch!”

THE BAD: E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial, 1982, 2002, color

I remember seeing this movie in the theatre when I was a kid, and when E.T. was yoked up by those guys dressed in leftover radiation suits from Three Mile Island’s nuclear disaster, I bawled like you’d broken my die-cast Optimus Prime toy. I loved that little guy. I loved him on my E.T. bedsheets, t-shirts, and lunchbox. I still loved him even through that terrible peanut butter-flavored E.T. breakfast cereal, and though it smelled kind of like varnish and bleach, I used the E.T. electric toothbrush until E.T.’s head broke off and I almost swallowed it and my mom made me throw it away. I still liked my various E.T. figurines (except for the one of E.T. holding that flowerpot, that was too effeminate for me), and I had a fondness for that little turd with eyes when he adorned the packaging for first-aid kits, candy, macaroni & cheese, and condoms (glow-in-dark at full extension, natch). But when I saw that goddamned E.T. video game for the Atari home console, I had enough of that leathery midget and I just wished he would die.

I don’t blame the merchandising, though. I blame Steven Fucking Spielberg. Oh, Steven Fucking Spielberg, with your mastery of Emotion Rays that beam from the screen directly into our tear ducts, and your annoying reliance on special effects to distract us from the fact that your movies truly suck. Oh Steven Fucking Spielberg, who controls Hollywood itself with whatever pop culture morsel affects your puerile whims and fancies on any particular day. You are the bane of filmmaking; the conspirator behind the ten dollar movie ticket, the re-editor and re-releaser of films that were already blockbusters to begin with. If I had a Delorean that could go back in time, I would use it to travel back to the early 1970s and change history by interrupting one of your cocaine-fueled parties, slapping Francis Ford Coppola’s dick out of your mouth, and tossing you out of a plate-glass window right onto Fairfax Blvd. But then I suppose that would probably change the present and turn George W. Bush from a compassionate conservative to an airhead politician that makes promises and uses buzzwords and serves only those interests that he is personally invested in. Curse you, Steven Fucking Spielberg.

“Yousa people gonna die?”

THE MEDIOCRE: Reptilicus, 1961, color

I had to do some pretty serious soul-searching in order to determine which movie, between The Giant Claw and Reptilicus, had the better Rubbery Monster. Without a doubt, Reptilicus is a better movie. Part monster movie and part travelogue, this movie takes place almost entirely in Copenhagen and features actors from Denmark, some of whom have their voices overdubbed by Americans. If that doesn’t delight you, then marvel at the ridiculous pseudo-science and questionable morals of a doctor who can’t stop talking about how sexually charged his daughters are. Much of the movie plays out like a prolonged “traveling salesman” joke, and the rest of it is a maelstrom of hokey special effects, terrible models, and—thankfully—comic relief. Ultimately, though, the bird from The Giant Claw looks like Big Bird’s retarded cousin, while Reptilicus looks like one of those bendable snakes you bought at the museum gift shop on your grade school field trips. The Giant Claw takes the Rubbery Monster Award, but jet-setters and frequent travelers will probably take more away from the dire warnings and terror of Reptilicus.

“Gosh, Copenhagen is beautiful! A shame I had to destroy it.”