Nostalgic Resources Dwindling at An Alarming Rate
1980's pop culture references almost totally depleted
Thewaywewere, USA -- A report released yesterday by a team of research scientists at Mayberry University revealed some surprising results: the good old days are getting closer and closer to the present with each generation. "There was a time that we could look fondly upon yesteryear as a simpler, more naive time," announced Dr. Franklin, who headed up this intense, three-year study, "but now, 'yesteryear' is a time of political corruption, rampant drug abuse, and social deviancy. And practically anyone can get a Monchichi from eBay or watch The Smurfs on YouTube."
The report, titled Conserving Our Nation's Nostalgia, details an alarming trend in reminiscence. Once a pastime relegated to the elderly and pompous members of society, now all age groups recall the recent past happily, even if they weren't alive during the period in question. Each decade is thoroughly mined for historical fact and popular references, and then it is packaged and sold to the masses in the form of compilation albums, retro clothing, and television programs featuring b-list celebrities. The study further reveals that, as a result of this efficient culture mining, our nostalgia reserves are rapidly shrinking, with the whole of the twentieth century up until 1989 completely exhausted. "At this rate," warns Dr. Franklin, "we'll be wistfully remembering 1994 release of the motion picture Dumb and Dumber by 2008."
"Conserving our nostalgia is key," continued Dr. Franklin, "if we want to escape from our dreary present. The past should not be handed down in serial television shows and lengthy books, but by slow-talking, doddering old people, to whom barely anyone pays attention." Dr. Franklin made some suggestions to members of the scientific community and the press, gathered in Ridgemont Auditorium at Mayberry University. "The first thing we need to do is stop the rampant digitizing of our new wave and glam rock recordings. They should be preserved in their original vinyl and cassette format, so they will be confounding to today's iPod generation. The next thing we need to do is take re-runs of Who's the Boss? off the air immediately."
Not everyone shares in Dr. Franklin's nostalgia doomsday predictions. "The report is pure histrionics," commented Professor Lasky, who attended the conference surrounding this report. "The way Dr. Franklin tells is, we will be down to Kerbangers and freeze-dried ice cream tomorrow. The fact is that there is still plenty for everyone to get nostalgic about, one just needs to look a little deeper at the instances that might not be as rosy-colored." Professor Lasky illustrated his contention by recalling Diana Ross' 1983 concert in Central Park, the 1986 World Exposition in Vancouver, and Phillip Morris buying Kraft Foods in 1988, all moments of the 1980's that have not been widely recalled. Professor Lasky admitted, however, that these instances were not as sexy as the time Donna Rice was photographed sitting on presidential candidate Gary Hart's lap aboard his yacht, The Monkey Business, in 1988.
Despite his detractors, Dr. Franklin says the situation is very dire. "There's hardly anything worth recalling from twenty years ago," he said in his closing statement, "and more and more young people are reflecting on moments so recently, their nostalgic potential is ruined before it had a chance. If we don't do something to preserve our nostalgia, then we will have no choice but to improve our present day, and frankly, I don't think the current pack of idiots that run the world are up to the task. Don't taze me, bro."
The report, titled Conserving Our Nation's Nostalgia, details an alarming trend in reminiscence. Once a pastime relegated to the elderly and pompous members of society, now all age groups recall the recent past happily, even if they weren't alive during the period in question. Each decade is thoroughly mined for historical fact and popular references, and then it is packaged and sold to the masses in the form of compilation albums, retro clothing, and television programs featuring b-list celebrities. The study further reveals that, as a result of this efficient culture mining, our nostalgia reserves are rapidly shrinking, with the whole of the twentieth century up until 1989 completely exhausted. "At this rate," warns Dr. Franklin, "we'll be wistfully remembering 1994 release of the motion picture Dumb and Dumber by 2008."
"Conserving our nostalgia is key," continued Dr. Franklin, "if we want to escape from our dreary present. The past should not be handed down in serial television shows and lengthy books, but by slow-talking, doddering old people, to whom barely anyone pays attention." Dr. Franklin made some suggestions to members of the scientific community and the press, gathered in Ridgemont Auditorium at Mayberry University. "The first thing we need to do is stop the rampant digitizing of our new wave and glam rock recordings. They should be preserved in their original vinyl and cassette format, so they will be confounding to today's iPod generation. The next thing we need to do is take re-runs of Who's the Boss? off the air immediately."
Not everyone shares in Dr. Franklin's nostalgia doomsday predictions. "The report is pure histrionics," commented Professor Lasky, who attended the conference surrounding this report. "The way Dr. Franklin tells is, we will be down to Kerbangers and freeze-dried ice cream tomorrow. The fact is that there is still plenty for everyone to get nostalgic about, one just needs to look a little deeper at the instances that might not be as rosy-colored." Professor Lasky illustrated his contention by recalling Diana Ross' 1983 concert in Central Park, the 1986 World Exposition in Vancouver, and Phillip Morris buying Kraft Foods in 1988, all moments of the 1980's that have not been widely recalled. Professor Lasky admitted, however, that these instances were not as sexy as the time Donna Rice was photographed sitting on presidential candidate Gary Hart's lap aboard his yacht, The Monkey Business, in 1988.
Despite his detractors, Dr. Franklin says the situation is very dire. "There's hardly anything worth recalling from twenty years ago," he said in his closing statement, "and more and more young people are reflecting on moments so recently, their nostalgic potential is ruined before it had a chance. If we don't do something to preserve our nostalgia, then we will have no choice but to improve our present day, and frankly, I don't think the current pack of idiots that run the world are up to the task. Don't taze me, bro."
posted by Reggie Hemingway at
9:36 AM
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