Southern California Wildfire Provides Danger, Entertainment

Five-day blaze claims hundreds of acres worth of nation’s attention

San Diesel, CA – A raging wildfire, that began Sunday and has burned almost five-hundred thousand acres of Southern California, has become America’s number one source of entertainment this week, according to an independent survey conducted by The New York Post. Half a million people have been evacuated from their homes, the largest in the state’s history, but three times that amount have been glued to their televisions to watch the brightly flickering flames and spectacular plumes of smoke that have resulted from this natural disaster.

“We are worried, but not too worried,” said Robert C. Wright, president of television network NBC. “Ratings for this week’s episode of Heroes were good, but as the week continued our ratings slipped. Barely anyone watched last night’s episode of Phenomenon 101, a show which desperately needs the viewers. We’re counting on new episodes of 30 Rock and The Office to help us bounce back from this tragedy, which is affecting a lot more than our hillside properties.”

Images like this one have captivated the nation's attention over the last week

Other sources of entertainment are not faring as well against the ever-changing mosaic of fire. Major League Baseball reports that only twelve-thousand people outside of Boston watched game one of the World Series last night, five-thousand fewer than expected. Flagstaff, Arizona resident Gertrude Pickelsham said, “I switched back and forth between baseball and coverage of the fire, but by the fifth inning I just stuck with the news. [The Colorado Rockies] were getting shellacked! The citizens of San Diego have a better chance of surviving the weekend than the Rockies.”

Perhaps no Americans are as entranced by the wildfire than Californians themselves. “I watched it burn for about five hours yesterday from my patio while sipping iced tea,” confessed Mark Galebreadth of Orange County, “I completely forgot to call my mom and watch the new South Park.” However, as Mr. Galebreadth points out, "South Park will be re-run a bunch of times before next week; wildfires like this happen once, maybe twice a year.”

California firefighters and legislature hope to put an end to the blaze before this Saturday, when professional football games will air on national television. “This fire has caused almost a billion dollars in damages, a third of that from lost ad revenue,” said Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger at a hastily-convened press conference yesterday. “It is imperative that we contain this fire so that it doesn’t conflict with any more prime-time programming. If that means I have to enter the flames myself, burning away my synthetic skin and exposing my titanium robotic interior, then so be it.”