You are no better than me.

I’m sick of the jokes. Do you really think I haven’t noticed you and everyone else giggling and snickering behind my back? You’re not slick. Furthermore, you’re an insensitive asshole. I bet you really get off poking fun at other people, especially about things which are not their fault. Well, I’m not ashamed of my handicap, and I’m tired of being treated like a second-class citizen because of it. Even though I might not be able to do everything you can, I am still quite capable and I can do a lot of stuff you can’t, despite the fact that I never saw the two-part episode of Diff’rent Strokes where Arnold and Dudley get molested by Mr. Horton, the bicycle shop owner.

I’ve seen Diff’rent Strokes, okay? I’m not a fucking spaz. In fact, I’d wager that I’ve seen every episode except the two-part one where Arnold and Dudley get molested by Mr. Horton, the bicycle shop owner. Do you remember the two-part episode where Kimberly and Arnold get kidnapped by an artist/rapist, and Arnold gets away and then has to go under hypnosis to remember where Kimberly is? I didn’t think you did. But no one wants to talk about that episode, no. They want to talk about the one where Arnold and Dudley get molested by Mr. Horton, the bicycle shop owner. This show had almost a hundred and ninety fucking episodes, but you’d think the one where Arnold and Dudley get molested by Mr. Horton, the bicycle shop owner, was the only one. What about the one where Willis buys an ounce of marijuana and then smokes it all while his family is away for the day? How about when Arnold finally stands up to the Gooch? Let’s not even get into the introduction of Mr. Drummond’s new wife Maggie and her son Sam in the sixth season. No one wants to talk about those episodes, even the one where Punky Brewster guest stars as Sam’s best friend.

That’s what really kills me. It’s not like I don’t know about Diff’rent Strokes and television in general. Sure, we all remember Gordon Jump as the child-molesting Mr. Horton, but who remembers his softer side as Maggie Seaver’s retired cop father on Growing Pains? Or his groundbreaking role as station manager on WKRP in Cincinnati? He wrote the book on the cantankerous, lecherous old grouch with that role. But no, people want to remember a Maytag repairman and a child-molesting bicycle store owner. It’s funny, though, how selective peoples’ memories are. Mention The Gary Coleman Show Saturday morning cartoon or the final season of Facts of Life where Mrs. Garret was replaced by Cloris Leachman, and peoples’ faces go blank. One hint about the two-part episode of Diff’rent Strokes where Arnold and Dudley get molested by Mr. Horton, the bicycle shop owner, and suddenly it’s a roundtable discussion about the joys of childhood. And there I am, left in the cold, having never seen that fucking stupid episode.

Well, I’m not going to sit silently on the sidelines any more. My name is Reggie Kenseleaar-Jupiter, and I have never seen the two-part episode of Diff’rent Strokes where Arnold and Dudley get molested by Mr. Horton, the bicycle shop owner. If you think that makes me less of a human being than you, then you can go fuck yourself because there’s more of us than you think, and we’re not going to take this prejudice lying down. Remember: I may be someone who has never seen the two-part episode of Diff’rent Strokes where Arnold and Dudley get molested by Mr. Horton, the bicycle shop owner, but I could feasibly see it and remove myself from that category. You, on the other hand, will always be a jerk!