Merry Christmas to All (Except Jews, Muslims, and Others)

God rest ye,
Phi-la-flavians
Let nothing you dismay
Despite server capacity
Overloading ev’ry day
And if I can’t read forums
Then I must deal with my in-tray!

O tidings of Nas versus Jeezy
Nas versus Hov
Glad tidings of Nas versus the world!

In My Two Cents, Phila dot com,
We learn hip-hop sure blows
From the smallest myspace rapper kid
All the way up to Young Dro
If Sage Francis is up to anything
Employee will let us know

O tidings of Nas versus The Clipse
Nas versus Hov
Glad tidings of Nas versus the world!

If you want to do rap knowledge
Then you need to check out T.R.O.Y.
There, you will find the classic hits
Thirty-somethings all enjoy
And if you don’t know about T La Rock
JBL calls you a toy

O tidings of Nas versus the new Ghost
Nas versus Hov
Glad tidings of Nas versus the world!

You just want to talk some trash, then
P&B forum, seek it out
It’s where many of the in-jokes start
And stuff I just won’t speak about
And if you’re lucky, you might see
Good ol’ Jaz straight freaking out!

O tidings of Nas versus Lil Wayne
Nas versus Hov
Glad tidings of Nas versus the world!

For non-rap entertainment
Then Your Enthusiasm, please Curb
Read up on movies and TV
Shows ev’ryone should observe
But if you lack that HBO
Then boy, you’ve got some nerve!

O tidings of Nas versus AZ
Nas versus Hov
Glad tidings of Nas versus the world!

Should you like tunes besides the rap
Rick Rubin is your place
Where other genres are discussed
With propriety and grace
But if you bring up emo rock
Masked Terror break-a you face

O tidings of Nas versus The Roots
Nas versus Hov
Glad tidings of Nas versus the world!

For opinionated Phila-folk
Try Steve Biko (Stir It Up)
There’s politics and news items
And war being discussed
If Sebastian gets busy in a thread
Then you know it got fucked up

O tidings of Nas versus T.I.
Nas versus Hov
Glad tidings of Nas versus the world!

There’s only one place on Phila-flave
For athletic discourse
Where people make predictions
On a variety of sports
And at the end of every season
There is a much gambler’s remorse

O tidings of Nas versus Snoop Dog
Nas versus Hov
Glad tidings of Nas versus the world!

There are two forums on the page
Many posters seem to skirt
Where beatsmiths and keystyle MC’s
Display their gift and curse
But they see so few new posts per day
I jammed them in one verse

O tidings of Nas versus Raekwon
Nas versus Hov
Glad tidings of Nas versus the world!

If video gaming be your vice
Electric Relax shall be your home
Smooth Lou extols his praise
Of all things Nin-ten-do
But you won’t learn how to cure your
Carpal tunnel syndrome

O tidings of Nas versus The Game
Nas versus Hov
Glad tidings of Nas versus the world!

There are other forums on the site
You may not check them ev’ry day
One for tech and one for shows
One to trade rare tunes to play
The latter, I don’t understand
Since one can always use eBay

O tidings of Nas versus Lloyd Banks
Nas versus Hov
Glad tidings of Nas versus the world!

Yes, Phila is a lovely spot
Fine for ev’ry creed and race
Have convos that, in real life,
Could not have taken place
Be sure to refresh constantly if
You love the thrill of chase!

O tidings of Nas versus Cormega
Nas versus Hov
Glad tidings of Nas versus the world!

Superman is such a total asshole

It's not like I don't respect the guy. I mean, he's Superman. I get it. There isn't a whole lot he can't do. And I'm grateful for everything he's done. I just wish that, sometimes, he would let one of us other superheroes take a crisis once in a while. It's not like we're helpless. I can run fast enough to crack the sound barrier, for crying out loud! But everytime I'm just about to spin a bad guy dizzy with an impromptu whirlwind, in flies Superman to save the day. Cut me some slack already!
Besides, this isn't even his turf! He's supposed to handle Metropolis, I've got Central City. I think it's pretty fitting, if you ask me. I certainly wouldn't want to tangle with the enemies he's got, like Lex Luthor and Darkseid. And I don't see why he wants to waste his super-breath on the guys I tangle with, like the Turtle and the Mirror Master. Who can't defeat the Mirror Master? All you have to do is trap him in whatever mirror device he's concocted at the moment. I do a pretty good job at that, with my super-speed. But does Superman lay off for a fucking minute? No. As soon as word gets out that Mirror Master stole some antique mirrors from the Central City Musuem, here comes that glory hog Superman, finding Mirror Master with X-ray vision and then knocking him out cold with a flick of his pinky. How about some theatrics, Superman? Mirror Master went through the trouble of making that latex suit and devising a way to travel through various mirrors, the least you could do is make a show of kicking his ass.
What really kills me is that Superman isn't even from this planet. He's an alien! And yet everyone sees fit to give him total reign and take jobs from other, earth-born superheroes. We have egos to feed too, you know. Just give me a chance. I can run over water like a skipping stone. I can vibrate my molecules through walls. And while I understand that Superman can pretty much outdo those abilities, I still think I should get my shot against the occasional super villain. At least some jerk-off like Boomerang Man.

The way we treat the mentally ill is deplorable

Unless you were unlucky enough to be born a foreigner, I can assume that we are all Americans here. We live in, or are from, the most wealthy and powerful nation on earth. Mountains move at our whim; nations topple at our insistence. Our feats of engineering are marvelous works and our social welfare is second to none--unless you ask the recipients of said welfare. They're never satisfied. All in all, we live in a fairly progressive country, one that we can all be proud of and which is the envy of would-be fat people the world over. However, there is one section of our citizenry which does not receive the due care and attention that they deserve. One area in which we are still as backwards as the most retarded Albanian. That area, my fellow Americans, is how we care for the mentally ill.
To be sure, progress has been made. Not but a hundred years ago, we shackled our mentally retarded Americans in padded rooms and administered electro-shock therapy. Well, we've removed the shackles, but we're still not a lot better off than we were when Teddy Roosevelt was president and tried to have the letter "e" officially removed from the word "whiskey." Many concerned people, myself among them, would say that we are actually crueler and less understanding towards the mentally sick than we were in the age before radio. We have the best doctors, the most robust pharmaceutical industry on the planet, and yet we still cannot aid those who need it the most. It's a damn shame.
One needs only watch a few reality programs centered around celebrities to understand how bad this problem has become. These people are the most debased, retarded, and borderline schizoid persons to be shown on television since The Arsenio Hall Show was still on the air. One can't help but pity them. Here is a group of people that can barely perform basic duties for themselves, and what have we, as a nation, done? We've allowed them access to millions of dollars and shoved cameras in their faces. Ladies and gentlemen of sanity, the blame lies squarely with ourselves. We have failed our mentally ill Americans in the worst way.
We don't need to keep stumbling down this morally bankrupt and deplorable path. We can still save the Michael Jacksons, the Tom Cruises, the Lindsay Lohans and the Oprah Winfreys of the world if we band together and say, "I'm sorry. We should never have allowed you unfettered access to money and publicity. We should never have filmed your moronic antics for everyone to laugh at. That was mean of us. But rehabilitation begins today." These people need our help, now more than ever. Many of them have such bizzare delusions of grandeur that they have sought--and won--public office. Many of them are self-styled revolutionaries with paranoid complexes, like George Clooney. But these people need not despair in the dark recesses of the human mind and longer. If we take a stand and promise our mentally indigent citizens that we will care for them in the way a functioning society should--that is, with electro-shock treatments and lobotomies--then we can turn around this shameful facet of American life right away. It isn't too late to save our country's retarded celebrities. Except for Gary Busey, that is. I'm pretty sure he's a lost cause.