Italicized movie title angers critics, typesetters

Hurray Four, Hollywood -- Promotion for a new blockbuster movie slated for a Summer 2007 release has ground to a halt after a furor raised over its controversial title. The actual title hasn't been decided upon, but the producers of the film, Residential Studios, leaked the suggestion that they were considering using italicized type for whatever word or words would compose the title, immediately raising the ire of film critics and internet bloggers worldwide.
"This is scintillatingly preposterous," commented Neil Silvers, film critic for the Annawonka Daily Press, "It goes against the normal practice of titling a movie in roman characters, only to be italicized when referenced in the press. Now what are we to do? Are we to write the movie title in roman characters and confuse the reader? Or should we keep the italics in our reviews and subject ourselves to criticism by English teachers and other punctuation watchdogs?" Silvers further noted that it will cause mayhem with critic blurbs that are often peppered on newspaper and television movie ads. "To put it bluntly, this is devestatingly abrasive to my senses."
The point about the critic's blurb seems to be the most sticky among the italicized movie title's detractors. Sidney Folton, head critic at coolflickz.com noted, "Blurbs are usually italicized themselves, to show the enthusiasm that the critic had while observing the movie. Often it's something like 'Dazzling!' or '...simply enchanting!' The point I am trying to make is that the italics are important here, and to make the movie's title in italics cheapens that whole effect." Though Sidney has no further advanced information about this movie and doesn't even know what it's about, he said that he's already going to drop an entire grade from the review if they go ahead with this italicized title. "There's no way that a movie with an italicized title is going to get more than four Popcorn Tubs," he said, referencing the points that coolflickz.com uses in lieu of stars, "I mean, that's the kind of rating you reserve for classics like Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and Batman Begins, not for an upstart little flick that wants to change all the rules."
Despite the studio's retraction of the italicized movie title rumor, many are resigned to figuring out how they would work an italicized movie title into their respective reviews and internet commentary. "I don't know preciselty what I will do, but I am looking into several options," said Gary Huss of the Beaverton Weekend Guide, "I might use another font, I might run it in all caps. I might even go bold, though that is unlikely." Responding to a suggestion that he could put quotes around the movie title for review purposes, Huss scoffed. "That would run the blurbs, which are themselves between two quotes! What, shall we start using single quotes now when necessary? Don't be stupid."

How much do you really love me?

My dear, I love you more than mere words can express. My love for you is as boundless as a child's imagination, as true as the hardest scientific fact. It wells up from within my soul and pools in my heart which beats nothing but sincere enamor for your being. I worship the ground upon which you walk. I covet the air that you exhale. To speak with you is to live, really live, instead of being a shell of a person that waits for you to fill the empty space within. To be sure, I would love you forever even if you spurned my affection, but you have responded to my love in kind which sends me soaring above the clouds in ultimate elation and exuberance. I can be nothing but thankful for and humbled by your love, however, I wonder if it is as true and steadfast as mine. For example, say we were in a restaurant kitchen after hours and were surprised by a burgular. Say that burgular was able to lock us in the meat freezer overnight. Would you pound at the door and try to get help, or would you sit with me and confess your feelings, allowing our combined body warmth to sustain us until the restaurant opened for business?
I know it is asking a lot, but I need to know where I stand before I give away any more of my fragile heart. Suppose I had to go into an apartment building's basement storage locker to get something, and you came with me. Suppose that the door to the storage locker swung closed while we were inside, locking us in. Would you spend all of your time trying to pry the door open, or get someone's attention, or otherwise be wrapped up in your own comfort, or would you reminisce with me about days gone by, trading anecdotes and tales from which we learned how to laugh, live...and love? Would you accept our situation as an opportunity to strengthen the bond between us that means so much to me? Would it matter to you if I was wearing a Superman costume?
Yes, the road of life can be winding and difficult, and it is important to me that you are committed to remaining with me as I am to you. This is why I must ask: if we were taking an elevator in a high-rise building, and there was an electrical malfunction that caused it to stop between floors, would you use the emergency exit in the ceiling to get to safety, or would you huddle with me on the floor and talk about fun days in our recent past? I am not asking for you to die with me, I am merely asking that you abide with me in times of need, and to use these times to run down a "clip show episode" of our lives. Because if you cannot do that, my dear, then I fear that we are not to be. It means that we must tie up all loose ends and have our finale episode. And while I might be amenable to a long-term syndication of our relationship, you and I both know it will never be quite the same as the first-run.

Republican Party Abdicates, Passes Holy Skull to Pelosi

The Great Domed Hut, Washington, D.C. -- After a sweeping midterm victory by Democratic candidates for Congress and Senate, Republican President Bush officially acknowledged the opposing party's victory and relenquished his power in a typical Ceremony of Submission, which included a stylistic circle dance around a raging bonfire and the drinking of sacrificial rabbit's blood. To conclude the ceremony and mark the occasion, Bush prayed over the bejeweled Holy Skull and handed it to new Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, the first Democratic Speaker in over a decade and the first woman to ever hold the Holy Skull or wear the ceremonial speaker's headdress.
"In the past, those who have wielded this Holy Skull have done injustice to this position," said Speaker Pelosi before a gathering of disciples, "but I promise to always perform my duties with courtesy and righteousness, as decreed by our forbears in the Cave Upon the Golden Mountain." Pelosi then scarred her left cheek with the Emerald of Sustenance to show all the dedication with which she would assume her new job.
Some detractors, however, were not so sure. "Every Speaker since Schuyler Colfax has scarred themselves with the Emerald of Sustenance," grumbled Republican Representative John Boehner of Ohio, "it doesn't really mean that they are pure of heart and of courageous mind. She still has to pass the Trials of Zhungg and retrieve the Glass Sarcophagus before we can be sure of that."
President Bush, in a show of non-partisan alliance, supported Speaker Pelosi's new position and her ability to complete the forthcoming trials. "I am merely interested in working together with the Democratic Congress to do what's necessary for the American people. I have faith that Ms. Pelosi will perform admirably both as Speaker of the House and when she must submit to the Winds of Verticus during the Trials of Zhungg. No Speaker, once appointed, have ever failed these Trials, and I don't believe that this situation will be any different. All is still well with your United States government. It is exactly as ordained by the mighty god Khatt'kharon, who rides his mystical chariot through the night sky and keeps watch over our people."

Jay-Z to Bush: Push Back Nuclear War

Armchair Expertise, NY -- President of rap music record label Def Jam, Sean "Jay-Z" Carter, has fostered some commercial successes and failures since assuming his position in 2004. Having learned from his short experience, Jay issued a public letter to U.S. president George W. Bush offering unsolicited advice on how to run his presidency, most notably the suggestion that Bush "push back war with North Korea."
"It's not ready yet," wrote Jay-Z in the third paragraph of a page-long letter, which has made the rounds on the internet and will be published in various entertainment magazines in coming weeks, "the streets aren't feeling it. North Korea is just trying to get your goat, man. Those cats know they're not going to pull any numbers without riding on your coattails. Just ignore 'em like I did to the fool Cam'Ron."
Jay-Z further recommends that Bush "shelve" his war with Iran and "relaunch" the current military occupation in Iraq, for which the U.S. president has received much criticism. "Honestly, I think the Iran project could be hot--blazing hot. But you need to rework the whole thing from the ground up. You gotta portray these cats as pure villains that are threatening India's security, and therefore threatening our economy by way of our outsourced labor. And you need to tell India to fall back, man, clip these nuclear weapons before it gets too complicated. It's like giving a hot Scott Storch beat to some young cat on the come-up. It's too much heat for them, they don't know what to do with it."
On the Iraq occupation, Jay-Z writes: "...[H]eads ain't feeling it no more. It's like with Ludacris, releasing the same album over and over again. Eventually people are gonna fiend for some new shit." Jay-Z recommends a new take on this aging conflict in order for it to gain new interest: "Iraq needs an event right now. Last hot thing that happened there was capturing Abu Abbas, and I think that went over a lot fans' heads. You need to restructure and reach out to the people, man, have an event that galvanizes popular support again." Jay-Z goes on to make several concrete suggestions, including adding more technology to the war effort, wrapping city buses in vinyl stickers that promote the Iraq occupation, and a possible name change for the president. "You can announce your retirement, and then a little while later come out of retirement with a new name. That always gets the fans salivating. I suggest something like 'George Bushwhacka' or 'G. Bitty'."
Though there has been no official response from the executive office, sources close to President Bush say he has read the letter and is taking some of the suggestions under consideration. "I can say that [Bush] has banned Cristal champagne from White House dinners and he is in talks with Reebok about a line of walking sneakers with the presidential seal on them," said one White House staffer, who asked not to be identified.