Jay-Z to Bush: Push Back Nuclear War

Armchair Expertise, NY -- President of rap music record label Def Jam, Sean "Jay-Z" Carter, has fostered some commercial successes and failures since assuming his position in 2004. Having learned from his short experience, Jay issued a public letter to U.S. president George W. Bush offering unsolicited advice on how to run his presidency, most notably the suggestion that Bush "push back war with North Korea."
"It's not ready yet," wrote Jay-Z in the third paragraph of a page-long letter, which has made the rounds on the internet and will be published in various entertainment magazines in coming weeks, "the streets aren't feeling it. North Korea is just trying to get your goat, man. Those cats know they're not going to pull any numbers without riding on your coattails. Just ignore 'em like I did to the fool Cam'Ron."
Jay-Z further recommends that Bush "shelve" his war with Iran and "relaunch" the current military occupation in Iraq, for which the U.S. president has received much criticism. "Honestly, I think the Iran project could be hot--blazing hot. But you need to rework the whole thing from the ground up. You gotta portray these cats as pure villains that are threatening India's security, and therefore threatening our economy by way of our outsourced labor. And you need to tell India to fall back, man, clip these nuclear weapons before it gets too complicated. It's like giving a hot Scott Storch beat to some young cat on the come-up. It's too much heat for them, they don't know what to do with it."
On the Iraq occupation, Jay-Z writes: "...[H]eads ain't feeling it no more. It's like with Ludacris, releasing the same album over and over again. Eventually people are gonna fiend for some new shit." Jay-Z recommends a new take on this aging conflict in order for it to gain new interest: "Iraq needs an event right now. Last hot thing that happened there was capturing Abu Abbas, and I think that went over a lot fans' heads. You need to restructure and reach out to the people, man, have an event that galvanizes popular support again." Jay-Z goes on to make several concrete suggestions, including adding more technology to the war effort, wrapping city buses in vinyl stickers that promote the Iraq occupation, and a possible name change for the president. "You can announce your retirement, and then a little while later come out of retirement with a new name. That always gets the fans salivating. I suggest something like 'George Bushwhacka' or 'G. Bitty'."
Though there has been no official response from the executive office, sources close to President Bush say he has read the letter and is taking some of the suggestions under consideration. "I can say that [Bush] has banned Cristal champagne from White House dinners and he is in talks with Reebok about a line of walking sneakers with the presidential seal on them," said one White House staffer, who asked not to be identified.