Detroit Tigers motivated by fans, lucrative endorsement deals

Detroit, MI -- Still elated after taking the American League pennant late last week, members of the Detroit Tigers are geared up to win the entire World Series, many of them practicing and training harder than ever before. "We owe it to the fans," said manager Jim Leyland of the team, which has not won a championship since 1984, "but more than the fans, we owe it to our accountants and our investment portfolios."
Endorsement deals for everything from toothpaste to quick-dry epoxy have been rolling in for the Tigers since they clinched their spot in the pennant race last Friday, October 13th, but members of the team say they are holding out for the big corporations before signing any contracts. "I really think we have a good chance of winning the whole thing," said catcher Ivan Rodriguez, "if we just focus and keep our minds on the potential four-million dollar contract that will be offered to me by Rogaine." When asked if he was balding, Rodriguez replied, "No, but why wait for a full pitching count when you can blast a home run on the first toss? That statement right there will hopefully earn me two-hundred thou in a week and a half."
A problem did arise when first baseman Sean Casey had to discontinue talks with fast food giant KFC before any money could be offered. This was due to a clause in star pitcher Kenny Roger's player contract that the Tigers would endorse only Kenny Rogers' Roasters brand fast food, if any at all. "It was a conflict of interest," said Casey of the incident, "and I am a team player, first and foremost." Rogers himself commented on the issue: "What happened with Casey was regrettable, but a contract is a contract. It's too bad because neither I nor the rest of the ballclub have any intention of endorsing [Kenny Rogers'] Roasters. You know what they were offering? Twenty grand and unlimited free buckets of chicken. Get the fuck out of here with that noise! I could do one Nike commercial and have enough chicken to eat myself stupid."
Much of America will be glued to their televisions next week to find out which team will go on to multi-million dollar commercial deals and which will have to add their names to children's day camps and burn wards just to stay relevant. "It's a tough game," said seasoned manager Leyland, "it's not for everyone. You've got to be very tenacious, dedicated, and willing to sacrifice. It also helps if you've got a bright smile and your skin isn't too pock-marked. That is, unless you intend to endorse Pro-Activ."