Rappers Return to Drug Sales, IT Jobs

America, United States -- Well into the second quarter of the sales year, many rap music record labels are reportedly delaying expected releases "indefinitely" and renegotiating to cancel contracts with artists who have yet to record. However, slumping sales and industry politics are not the culprits this time around, instead many artists are simply quitting rap, or "leaving the game" as it is also known. This is due to a variety of factors, mainly that they aren't getting rich fast enough, yet do not want to die trying.
"I'm just not stacking the paper I thought I would," said Alabama-based rapper Hot Rockz, who quit a lucrative drug-dealing operation last year to break into rap music, "I made t-shirts, I screamed on a couple of mixtapes, but things aren't coming together like I had imagined. Turns out you actually have to make some music to be in this rap shit." Hot Rockz was never signed to a label nor did he release any music during his brief career, but he did shoot three videos that enjoyed regular circulation on BET.
Most rappers are returning to the jobs they left in order to get into the music industry, largely drug sales and working at corporate information technology departments. "I got into this game so I could launder some of that rock money, feel me?" said Burp Lawlezz aka Young Burp, a Minneapolis-based rapper that is able to burp on cue. "Turns out that in order to launder money successfully, you need to make some money. I was all prepped to make this Jay-Z loot but I wasn't really prepped to rhyme or make beats or nothing like that."
Industry executives are puzzled by this development, but there are no reported lawsuits against artists to date. "At Interdope Records, our motto has always been, 'let the Goof Mob be the Goof Mob'," stated Jimmy Iodine, speaking specifically about the startling departure of their critically-acclaimed but poor-selling rap act, "and that means if they want to be struggling artists or struggling fry chefs, we're going to let them do that." Iodine then excused himself as he took a bite of a Bengal Tiger sandwich and dabbed his mouth with a napkin made entirely from one-hundred dollar bills.
Executives at smaller labels, who potentially have more to lose, are less glib about recent developments. Eddie "Ed" McHurvey of Rank Out Records bemoaned the loss of two freshly-signed artists. "Man, we had everything set to go on these guys," he said, sitting behind a desk made from two milkcrates and a stop sign, "we made posters, stickers, t-shirts...I had two Escalades vinyl-wrapped with promotional ads and a spot running on MTV2 hourly. All we had to do was come up with the music. They left at the most crucial juncture in our arrangement." Still, McHurvey said he would not be seeking legal action against either. "It's all good," grinned McHurvey, "I can't player hate. I'm just glad to be down with the culture. Is that right? 'Down with the culture'? Help me out here."
Some artists remain steadfast in their pursuit of a lucrative musical dream. Knee-High of Brooklyn, NY said he would "ride or die for this rap shit": "Ain't nothing else you can do if you from the 'hood except rap or play [basket]ball." said Knee-High from the stoop of his Park Slope brownstone, solemnly, "That's why I pump these jumbs, to support my family and my peoples." Knee-High had to cut the interview short when his mother leaned out of an upstairs window and called him to dinner.