Ladies, hold on to your dignity
I don't know what's happening in the rest of the country, but here in New York City, Spring is in the air, and that can only mean one thing: that pervasive warm weather urine smell is back. More specifically to this blog, however, is that cosmopolitan women have broken out their Spring wardrobes. Ladies, I have no problem with most of the clothing you choose to highlight your various body parts with, however there are a few articles that I think have been sprung on you by prankster fashion designers, which I will note here:
The Net Slipper: These might not be as fashionable elsewhere, but here in the Northeast, women are wearing these flimsy little slippers with beaded netting at the front to hold in the toes. They look like something you could get on Canal Street for a dollar a pair, but judging by the fashionably wealthy women that frequently wear them, I'm sure Bloomingdale's is hawking these at fifty bucks a clip. These certainly maximize the exposure of one's feet to the open air, but what kind of grosses me out is that they also keep a woman's tootsie hanging about one-eighth of an inch above the pavement. Last time I checked, pavement wasn't an easily-cleanable surface. I've been lobbying the city to re-do the city in moppable linoleum tiles, but until then we are forced to walk on top of refuse, excrement, and general grime. I think maybe you could use more than a length of cardboard and four inches of gauze between the soles of your feet and the ground.
The Fred Flinstone Shirt: These actually came into fashion during the 1970's and have made periodic comebacks during the subsequent decades. With today's snug, huggable fabrics, the result is less flattering than ever. You know the shirts I mean: basically a tank top with one strap crossed over a shoulder a la Fred Flinstone. While I appreciate the "safety first" look of having your seatbelt on outside the car, I must confess that this look is not altogether flattering unless you are purposely covering an acid-scarred shoulderblade or something. Otherwise, let's either see spaghetti straps or tube tops. You can't have it both ways, sister, except maybe in college or at a bachelorette party.
Gaucho Pants: Another fashion abomination inherited from the 1970's, this piece of outerwear is called "gaucho" which loosely translates to "dork in highwaters". This is possibly one of the least-flattering bits of clothing that women regularly wear, often with a pair of high-heeled boots to really cap off the whole pirate effect. Add a ruffled blouse and a parrot, and you're ready to sail the high seas. Women seem to be under the illusion that gaucho pants are effectively a skirt you can wear like pants, but this is not the case. Skirts are flowing, bouncy numbers that swish while a woman walks and puts men in a hypnotic trance. Gaucho pants look like you've lost the cuffs to your bellbottoms. Do yourselves a favor and just wear culottes.
The Net Slipper: These might not be as fashionable elsewhere, but here in the Northeast, women are wearing these flimsy little slippers with beaded netting at the front to hold in the toes. They look like something you could get on Canal Street for a dollar a pair, but judging by the fashionably wealthy women that frequently wear them, I'm sure Bloomingdale's is hawking these at fifty bucks a clip. These certainly maximize the exposure of one's feet to the open air, but what kind of grosses me out is that they also keep a woman's tootsie hanging about one-eighth of an inch above the pavement. Last time I checked, pavement wasn't an easily-cleanable surface. I've been lobbying the city to re-do the city in moppable linoleum tiles, but until then we are forced to walk on top of refuse, excrement, and general grime. I think maybe you could use more than a length of cardboard and four inches of gauze between the soles of your feet and the ground.
The Fred Flinstone Shirt: These actually came into fashion during the 1970's and have made periodic comebacks during the subsequent decades. With today's snug, huggable fabrics, the result is less flattering than ever. You know the shirts I mean: basically a tank top with one strap crossed over a shoulder a la Fred Flinstone. While I appreciate the "safety first" look of having your seatbelt on outside the car, I must confess that this look is not altogether flattering unless you are purposely covering an acid-scarred shoulderblade or something. Otherwise, let's either see spaghetti straps or tube tops. You can't have it both ways, sister, except maybe in college or at a bachelorette party.
Gaucho Pants: Another fashion abomination inherited from the 1970's, this piece of outerwear is called "gaucho" which loosely translates to "dork in highwaters". This is possibly one of the least-flattering bits of clothing that women regularly wear, often with a pair of high-heeled boots to really cap off the whole pirate effect. Add a ruffled blouse and a parrot, and you're ready to sail the high seas. Women seem to be under the illusion that gaucho pants are effectively a skirt you can wear like pants, but this is not the case. Skirts are flowing, bouncy numbers that swish while a woman walks and puts men in a hypnotic trance. Gaucho pants look like you've lost the cuffs to your bellbottoms. Do yourselves a favor and just wear culottes.
posted by Reggie Hemingway at
9:08 AM
5 Comments:
funny, those slippers are cheap they sell in chinese shops and hair stores for 2.99
Gauchos are the hotness and I looked fresh to death at the Mets game on Saturday in them.
l 2 the ol
I have never owned any of these horrid trends. I do, however, have one pair of capri pants that I will only wear when I go on a fishing boat, but only out of necessity. Pants are too hot and a skirt is not practical. Reggie, you rule.
Hilarious. Though the argument against net slippers is very similar, I wish you had included an additional tirade against flip-flops.
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