Kosher, kosher! That's what they're yelling

I consider myself a pretty tolerant, modern kind of guy. I don't begrudge people their personal choices and preferences. You're a guy that likes to tuck his penis between his legs and dress up like Marilyn Monroe? More power to you. Enjoy eating deep-fried lard balls and Tollhouse chocolate chips? Eat and be merry. Getting your ethical and moral direction from an out-of-touch recluse halfway around the world that protects and defends a group of boy-touchers? Hey, it could be worse. You could be listening to the wisdom of Maury Povich.
But just for the purposes of classification, we have to draw the line somewhere. We have to, as a society, say that one direction is up and the other is down, lest we start flying subway cars through the air and riding airplanes underground. So I'm taking a stand, right here, right now, against a group of people that claim to be one thing but behave in in the reverse. What I am trying to say is: if you're not keeping a kosher house, then you're not Jewish.
I don't think this is a lot to ask. I can understand that you don't want to wear a yarmulke in public. Those things are uncomfortable and can ruin a nice, expensive haircut. You don't want to observe Shabbat, and I don't blame you. It's the weekend, you've got things to do, and damn it all if you can't enjoy "party night." But if you're not observing any kosher laws, then I have to wonder why you're bothering with Judaism at all. Is it the fun of getting to attend the circumcision ritual, known as a Bris? Perhaps it is the flavorless matzoh crackers you eat during Passover (aka "Jewish Easter"). I mean, observing only holidays and wearing approved dress only in a house of worship...that's just being an American Christian. The only thing separating non-kosher Jews and American Christians is that non-kosjer Jews don't run politics. Hannukah is already an abomination of what it was supposed to be, people might as well light up nine X-mas trees for all the days of Hannukah and celebrate with spiral ham and gravy. That would be fine with me, I'd still consider you Jewish. As long as the spiral ham was kosher turkey ham, by YHVH!
I don't expect that my stance will be very popular with the free-love sector, and to be honest, I don't care. It's kooks like you that are allowing all kinds of perverts and weirdos to roam around our metropolitan areas. Yeah, I'm a pretty liberal guy, but I can smell complete and total bullshit when it's near me. I'm looking at you, Jews for Jesus!