Five Movie Remakes

There's a trend in Hollywood that happens whenever the heroin supply has become too diluted: having run out of fresh ideas, producers and directors remake their favorite films from yesteryear to update the content. We saw it recently with King Kong and When a Stranger Calls, and word is that remakes of The Hills Have Eyes and Friday the 13th are in the works. Personally, I think this is a great idea. These ancient movies could use a little tidying up now that motion picture technology is at its pinnacle. To that end, here are five movies that I think are in desperate need of a remake:

Bloodsucking Freaks
Directed by Joel Reed
1976, color

A gore-filled satire on media critique and the entertainment industry in general, this movie is a cult-classic that is ready to burst into the mainstream. Imagine well-known young actresses like Lindsay Lohan and Jennifer Love-Hewitt being beheaded and their mouths made to be used a urinals. Plus, with a little computer-generated action, we could really see blood fly as womens' eyeballs are detached from their retinas. I'm thinking Ewan MacGregor as the sadistic Sardu, and maybe Wee Man from Jackass as his midget henchman, Ralphus. For a long while, I've thought that this movie would make a great musical, perhaps the talented Mel Brooks would like to help out here? Lord knows he's got a bone to pick with film critics.

Titanic
Directed by James Cameron
1997, color

This cinematic masterpiece was heralded for its supposedly ground-breaking special effects, and yet it contained no computer-generated dinosaurs or space ships! We can remedy this oversight now with current technology. And the woman that plays Rose Bukater should really have bigger cans. This is actually a carefully considered casting decision that should really help the scene where Jack Dawson holds her to the bow of the ship in what is arguably the most romantic scene in the film. Imagine if Rose has her arms outstretched to the wind and displays a pair of double-D sweater puppies? There should also be pirates thrown in here somehow. This movie is also a great candidate for being remade with an all-black cast.

Rambo: First Blood Part II
Directed by George P. Costamos
1985, color

Originally about a Vietnam War veteran that returns to Vietnam to rescue hostages, this film could get a well-deserved shot in the arm if it were updated so that John Rambo becomes a veteran of 1992's Operation: Desert Storm instead. Still reeling from the effects of battle fatigue and secret nerve gases released by Hussein,John Rambo is called upon to once again return to Iraq and liberate any soldiers that don't want to occupy the country any more. You'll marvel as Rambo fires explosive arrow after explosive arrow into already disheveled structures and shakes down innocent Iraqi businessmen for information on soldiers' whereabouts. The movie takes a strange turn when Iraqi citizens actually applaud Rambo for his decisive leadership and bloodthirst, but the real twist is at the end when every U.S. solider wants to return home from Iraq and there aren't enough cargo helicopters available to take them.

Jesus Christ Superstar
Directed by Norman Jewison
1973, color

If you ask me, an updated version of Jesus' travels as told in the New Testament could use a new update at least every ten years. I mean, this movie is full of hippies and freaks that were already stylistically irrelevant when the movie first came out. I see this is a hip-hop story now, with Jesus Christ busting crazy rhymes and the Apostles serving as back up dancers. Think of this as 8 Mile meets an ABC after school special. The rap battle between Jesus and Judas towards the end of the movie should be something legendary, and the lyrics should be written by professional rappers. Like, maybe Kid N' Play could do it. They're obviously not very busy.

Plan 9 From Outer Space
Directed by Ed Wood, Jr.
1959, b & w

A movie which consistently ranks at the top of Worst Movies Ever Made lists, I can think of no better film task than to remake this film and attempt to bestow upon it the glory that the late Ed Wood intended. I'm talking gigantic Independence Day style saucers blasting the bejeezus out of Washington D.C. I'm talking 28 Days Later style running zombies that scare you into pissing yourself. All dialogue can remain precisely the same as the original. Let's let the fascinating and gripping story, and not the fame of Ed Wood's cross dressing, be the legacy of this maligned work of art.