Attendance at this meeting is mandatory
Good morning, everyone, and thanks for coming. If you will all take your seats, I'll expedite this meeting and we'll try to get it over with as soon as possible. I know it's hot in here, I'll try to be as brief as I can.
For those of you that are new to the company, welcome. My name is Claude Gusselberg and I'm the COO of Cyberdyne Systems. I like to have these company-wide meetings about once a year, just to keep you all up-to-date about how we performed in the past year, and where we'll be allocating our resources over the coming years. The reason I have this meeting is that when I was first starting out in the corporate world, I always wished that a higher-up would give me a hint of the big picture. And so that is why I have established this yearly tradition.
In a word, Cyberdyne did phenomenonally this year. We experienced growth in all of our industries, and in some cases we doubled and tripled our net earnings last year. The final numbers are not yet in, but if my projections are even half right, this will certainly be a record year for Cyberdyne, and your managers will be able to reflect that during your annual performance reviews. The number one thing that has been such a boon to our business is, of course, the war efforts in the Middle East as well as the dozen or so covert wars that are taking place in South America and Africa. In 2005, Cyberdyne became the number two munitions supplier to the world--not just the U.S. Armed Forces, but the world--just a smidgen behind our main competitor, Lockheed-Martin. Our sales force certainly had a hand in this, securing exclusive contracts with warlords in Iran and Korea, as well as continuing to supply weapons for perpetual police actions around the globe. At Cyberdyne, we treat repeat business with more respect than a giant one-time purchase from a suicidal despot or terrorist organization. And we think it is this relationship with our clients that has been the key to our success.
The main thing, however, that put us so close to the top spot is the development of an exciting new weapon that our guys in New Munitions are working around the clock on. I know you've all heard the rumors, so I'm going to put them to bed right now: we are reverse-engineering a humanoid robot based on a piece that was discovered at a sheet metal plant in Sunnyvale, California. I'm not really at liberty to divulge too many particulars about this new robot, but if things keep going as they are now, we could see the elimination of the human soldier in our lifetime. I mean these things...Bob down in New Munitions put together a prototype, looks kind of like a table with human hands for legs. This thing already broke every long jump record and it can crush a car into a piece of metal no bigger than my wallet. And despite my title around here, my wallet is not that big. Ha ha ha.
So if development on this robot continues as it has been, we could have an incredible 2006 and we should surpass Lockheed-Martin's sales handily. We believe that we will ultimately be able to program these robots to build each other, which will drastically reduce our build costs and exponentially increase our output. Ladies and gentlemen, we may live to see a future where our every need and want is provided by these tireless robots. However, for the time being, we will still have to make our own martinis. Ha ha ha.
This industry, however, does not come without some serious complications. There is the small matter of containing the miniature nuclear reactors needed to power each robot. We are also having trouble obtaining the titanium alloy necessary to make these machines. However, there is a larger problem...I know you've all read the security memo, and I want to address it here to impress upon each of you how serious the situation is. We are currently having trouble dealing with human resistance fighters from the future that are trying to undo our corporation. One of them even destroyed two months work on the epidermal matrix we need to simulate human skin. The good news is that these people from the future can be dispatched relatively easily. The bad news is that we don't know when they are going to show up or what exactly they are trying to do.
What I want to ask each of you employees--and this goes for the people at the top of the totem pole right down to the mailroom--I want to ask you to please be vigilant and alert security whenever you see one of these visitors from the future. There are a few key ways to tell if someone is from the future, for example if they emerge completely nude from a manifested ball of electricity, or if they happen to know who wins the World Series in 2007. These travelers arrive naked but will try to acquire clothing as soon as possible. If a naked person asks you for clothes, do not give it to him! Immediately call Ralph in security and he will deal with it. Do not try to apprehend or detain this person, either. These people are highly dangerous and rather icky in their naked state. Also, do not listen to their tales of a war between man and machine that resulted after a computer-created nuclear holocaust. These tales are absolutely outrageous! The computer that runs most of the world's defense systems, SkyNet, told me itself.
This matter of invaders from the future is so important to the growth of Cyberdyne, that I am offering an additional bonus for any information leading to the capture of a visitor from the future. You can earn as much as five-hundred dollars, redeemable at the company store, simply for calling security when you see a suspicious person lurking about. These visitors from the future like to wear trenchcoats and often have their hair styled in fashions from the 1980's. Look, I know it is outside of your usual job descriptions, but if you could pitch in and lend a hand now and again, it could make a world of difference.
All in all, we had a banner year in 2005 and we are looking to break that record in 2006. Thanks to everyone for their hard work, and I thank you all for coming to this meeting. Good day.
For those of you that are new to the company, welcome. My name is Claude Gusselberg and I'm the COO of Cyberdyne Systems. I like to have these company-wide meetings about once a year, just to keep you all up-to-date about how we performed in the past year, and where we'll be allocating our resources over the coming years. The reason I have this meeting is that when I was first starting out in the corporate world, I always wished that a higher-up would give me a hint of the big picture. And so that is why I have established this yearly tradition.
In a word, Cyberdyne did phenomenonally this year. We experienced growth in all of our industries, and in some cases we doubled and tripled our net earnings last year. The final numbers are not yet in, but if my projections are even half right, this will certainly be a record year for Cyberdyne, and your managers will be able to reflect that during your annual performance reviews. The number one thing that has been such a boon to our business is, of course, the war efforts in the Middle East as well as the dozen or so covert wars that are taking place in South America and Africa. In 2005, Cyberdyne became the number two munitions supplier to the world--not just the U.S. Armed Forces, but the world--just a smidgen behind our main competitor, Lockheed-Martin. Our sales force certainly had a hand in this, securing exclusive contracts with warlords in Iran and Korea, as well as continuing to supply weapons for perpetual police actions around the globe. At Cyberdyne, we treat repeat business with more respect than a giant one-time purchase from a suicidal despot or terrorist organization. And we think it is this relationship with our clients that has been the key to our success.
The main thing, however, that put us so close to the top spot is the development of an exciting new weapon that our guys in New Munitions are working around the clock on. I know you've all heard the rumors, so I'm going to put them to bed right now: we are reverse-engineering a humanoid robot based on a piece that was discovered at a sheet metal plant in Sunnyvale, California. I'm not really at liberty to divulge too many particulars about this new robot, but if things keep going as they are now, we could see the elimination of the human soldier in our lifetime. I mean these things...Bob down in New Munitions put together a prototype, looks kind of like a table with human hands for legs. This thing already broke every long jump record and it can crush a car into a piece of metal no bigger than my wallet. And despite my title around here, my wallet is not that big. Ha ha ha.
So if development on this robot continues as it has been, we could have an incredible 2006 and we should surpass Lockheed-Martin's sales handily. We believe that we will ultimately be able to program these robots to build each other, which will drastically reduce our build costs and exponentially increase our output. Ladies and gentlemen, we may live to see a future where our every need and want is provided by these tireless robots. However, for the time being, we will still have to make our own martinis. Ha ha ha.
This industry, however, does not come without some serious complications. There is the small matter of containing the miniature nuclear reactors needed to power each robot. We are also having trouble obtaining the titanium alloy necessary to make these machines. However, there is a larger problem...I know you've all read the security memo, and I want to address it here to impress upon each of you how serious the situation is. We are currently having trouble dealing with human resistance fighters from the future that are trying to undo our corporation. One of them even destroyed two months work on the epidermal matrix we need to simulate human skin. The good news is that these people from the future can be dispatched relatively easily. The bad news is that we don't know when they are going to show up or what exactly they are trying to do.
What I want to ask each of you employees--and this goes for the people at the top of the totem pole right down to the mailroom--I want to ask you to please be vigilant and alert security whenever you see one of these visitors from the future. There are a few key ways to tell if someone is from the future, for example if they emerge completely nude from a manifested ball of electricity, or if they happen to know who wins the World Series in 2007. These travelers arrive naked but will try to acquire clothing as soon as possible. If a naked person asks you for clothes, do not give it to him! Immediately call Ralph in security and he will deal with it. Do not try to apprehend or detain this person, either. These people are highly dangerous and rather icky in their naked state. Also, do not listen to their tales of a war between man and machine that resulted after a computer-created nuclear holocaust. These tales are absolutely outrageous! The computer that runs most of the world's defense systems, SkyNet, told me itself.
This matter of invaders from the future is so important to the growth of Cyberdyne, that I am offering an additional bonus for any information leading to the capture of a visitor from the future. You can earn as much as five-hundred dollars, redeemable at the company store, simply for calling security when you see a suspicious person lurking about. These visitors from the future like to wear trenchcoats and often have their hair styled in fashions from the 1980's. Look, I know it is outside of your usual job descriptions, but if you could pitch in and lend a hand now and again, it could make a world of difference.
All in all, we had a banner year in 2005 and we are looking to break that record in 2006. Thanks to everyone for their hard work, and I thank you all for coming to this meeting. Good day.
posted by Reggie Hemingway at
1:02 PM
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