"Cloris Leachman Cult" Grows in Numbers
More and more Americans subscribing to the theory that she exists
America, U.S. -- The ceremony begins with the solemn Donning of the Wigs ritual, wherein participants don a cap made of bleached straw and clay. Someone reads from a tome known as Mary Tyler Moore, Episode 403, and then two men and a woman stand and perform a complex ritual known as The Killing of Mrs. Garrett. At the close of this service, the congregation stands and sings a simple, lilting song:
"Who makes the fog surrounding the Golden Gate simply disappear?
"Phyllis. Phyllis.
"Who makes the warning bells on the cable cars play the 'Gangs All Here'?
"Phyllis. Phyllis.
"Who charms the crabs at Fisherman's Wharf right out of their shell?
"Who lights the lamps of Chinatown just by walking in view...who?
"Phyllis! Phyllis! Phyllis! It sure isn't you!"
Such a bizarre ceremony might not seem out of place among Amazonian Natives or drunk Romanians, but would you believe that these exact events actually took place in the basement of a suburban home in San Diego, California? "We're not crackpots and we're sick of being treated like lunatics," stated Herman Funderson, head of the San Diego chapter of the Cloris Leachman Foundation, a society of individuals that seek tax-exempt status as a religious institution, "we're not asking you to believe what we believe, we're just asking to be granted the American freedom to worship and believe what we want."
What they believe, precisely, is in the existence of Cloris Leachman, a human female that supposedly lived in the twentieth century, and who many followers believe exists to this day. Members of the fledgling Cloris Leachman Foundation do not believe that she had any special powers or abilities, but that her alleged contributions to both the silver screen and the small screen were useful and should not be forgotten. The only problem is finding people that agree about these accomplishments. Among the Cloris Leachman Foundation's most bizarre claims is that Leachman starred on popular television sitcom The Facts of Life from 1986 to 1988, actually replacing the lead role of Mrs. Garrett, played by Charlotte Rae for almost ten years.
"Absolutely preposterous!" sputtered Dr. Neil Neilman, Professor of Television and Snackery at Yale University, "I am quite familiar with The Facts of Life, I assure you. I can even recite the episode guide for the first season when Molly Ringwald was on the show, before Nancy McKeon showed up. And I can definitively say that Cloris Leachman--if she even exists--never starred on this program." Dr. Neilman then unfurled a scroll of paper about four feet in length on which was drawn a crude and annotated timeline for the show, and pointed a pudgy finger at a point near the end of the timeline. "Right here is when the girls and Mrs. Garrett left Eastland School for Girls to open a pastry shop called 'Edna's Edibles', and then here is when it burned down and they changed it to a novelty shop called 'Over Our Heads'. And then the show ended."
Not so, claims Mr. Funderson, shaking his head impertinently. "With all due respect to his degree, Dr. Neilman is incorrect. The Facts of Life continued for two more seasons with Cloris Leachman replacing Mrs. Garrett as her sister, Beverly Ann Stickle. Mackenzie Astin was on the show then. I think George Clooney was, too." As outlandish as these claims may seem, the Cloris Leachman Foundation is picking up steam. Now boasting twelve chapters throughout the U.S. and nearly a thousand members, the Cloris Leachman Foundation seeks tax-exempt church status from the federal government. Even without this status, the Foundation seems to grow in membership every day.
"I didn't believe in Cloris Leachman before, either," said new member Gertrude Jodphur, still sporting a frayed Cloris Leachman wig, "but then I saw this one episode of Malcolm in the Middle, and, hand to God, I saw her. It was only for a minute or two, but I saw her." Getrude looks away with a pained expression, tears forming at the corners of her eyes. Her voice choked with emotion, Gertrude stammers, "I know you think I'm crazy, but I don't care. I saw Cloris Leachman. Once you've seen her...you just can't pretend she doesn't exist any more."
America, U.S. -- The ceremony begins with the solemn Donning of the Wigs ritual, wherein participants don a cap made of bleached straw and clay. Someone reads from a tome known as Mary Tyler Moore, Episode 403, and then two men and a woman stand and perform a complex ritual known as The Killing of Mrs. Garrett. At the close of this service, the congregation stands and sings a simple, lilting song:
"Who makes the fog surrounding the Golden Gate simply disappear?
"Phyllis. Phyllis.
"Who makes the warning bells on the cable cars play the 'Gangs All Here'?
"Phyllis. Phyllis.
"Who charms the crabs at Fisherman's Wharf right out of their shell?
"Who lights the lamps of Chinatown just by walking in view...who?
"Phyllis! Phyllis! Phyllis! It sure isn't you!"
Such a bizarre ceremony might not seem out of place among Amazonian Natives or drunk Romanians, but would you believe that these exact events actually took place in the basement of a suburban home in San Diego, California? "We're not crackpots and we're sick of being treated like lunatics," stated Herman Funderson, head of the San Diego chapter of the Cloris Leachman Foundation, a society of individuals that seek tax-exempt status as a religious institution, "we're not asking you to believe what we believe, we're just asking to be granted the American freedom to worship and believe what we want."
What they believe, precisely, is in the existence of Cloris Leachman, a human female that supposedly lived in the twentieth century, and who many followers believe exists to this day. Members of the fledgling Cloris Leachman Foundation do not believe that she had any special powers or abilities, but that her alleged contributions to both the silver screen and the small screen were useful and should not be forgotten. The only problem is finding people that agree about these accomplishments. Among the Cloris Leachman Foundation's most bizarre claims is that Leachman starred on popular television sitcom The Facts of Life from 1986 to 1988, actually replacing the lead role of Mrs. Garrett, played by Charlotte Rae for almost ten years.
"Absolutely preposterous!" sputtered Dr. Neil Neilman, Professor of Television and Snackery at Yale University, "I am quite familiar with The Facts of Life, I assure you. I can even recite the episode guide for the first season when Molly Ringwald was on the show, before Nancy McKeon showed up. And I can definitively say that Cloris Leachman--if she even exists--never starred on this program." Dr. Neilman then unfurled a scroll of paper about four feet in length on which was drawn a crude and annotated timeline for the show, and pointed a pudgy finger at a point near the end of the timeline. "Right here is when the girls and Mrs. Garrett left Eastland School for Girls to open a pastry shop called 'Edna's Edibles', and then here is when it burned down and they changed it to a novelty shop called 'Over Our Heads'. And then the show ended."
Not so, claims Mr. Funderson, shaking his head impertinently. "With all due respect to his degree, Dr. Neilman is incorrect. The Facts of Life continued for two more seasons with Cloris Leachman replacing Mrs. Garrett as her sister, Beverly Ann Stickle. Mackenzie Astin was on the show then. I think George Clooney was, too." As outlandish as these claims may seem, the Cloris Leachman Foundation is picking up steam. Now boasting twelve chapters throughout the U.S. and nearly a thousand members, the Cloris Leachman Foundation seeks tax-exempt church status from the federal government. Even without this status, the Foundation seems to grow in membership every day.
"I didn't believe in Cloris Leachman before, either," said new member Gertrude Jodphur, still sporting a frayed Cloris Leachman wig, "but then I saw this one episode of Malcolm in the Middle, and, hand to God, I saw her. It was only for a minute or two, but I saw her." Getrude looks away with a pained expression, tears forming at the corners of her eyes. Her voice choked with emotion, Gertrude stammers, "I know you think I'm crazy, but I don't care. I saw Cloris Leachman. Once you've seen her...you just can't pretend she doesn't exist any more."
posted by Reggie Hemingway at
9:38 AM
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