Attention Holiday Shoppers: Safety First

The 2005 Holiday Shopping Season is upon us, and many of you have already trampled your friends and neighbors in the mad rush to the front doors of your local mall or department store. But while we are picking the dried blood and hair from the treads of our sneakers and punching people in the face to get an inch closer to the new shoot 'em up video game, I want you all to keep one word near and dear to your hearts during this joyous holiday season. One simple word of two syllables, so easy to say and yet so difficult to practice. That special holiday word, ladies and gentlemen is "safety".
When choosing which rifle-wielding monster figurine or fatty self-help book to give as a gift this season, I want you to stop and think: is this gift safe for the recipient? Or does it possibly stand to reason that your sociopathic Uncle Ned might use his new Ginsu knife set for purposes other than cutting up meat, vegetables, or soda cans? Remember, it is not just the safety of gift recipients we are concerned with, but everyone's safety at large. This is why I had to cancel that "Bean of the Month" club membership for my Aunt Sandra, who wrestles with flatulence every day of her life. She lives in a gated community, for Christ's sakes. I would hate to have inadvertently ruined her weekly sewing circle.
So to help you, the devout holiday shopper, choose gifts that are truly safe, I have scoured the available commercials that are shown to me during my regular television viewing (barring that I have not changed the channel or otherwised spaced out on the commercial content), and I have discovered a gender neutral gift, suitable for all ages, whose main focus is safety. That gift is the 2006 Volkswagen Passat, a car which comes with a standard refrigerated glove box. First off, I would like to applaud German car manufacturers and designers Volkswagen (which means "Imported Carburetor") for adding this sorely needed feature to their new line of Passats. While I am applauding Volkswagen, however, I also want to point a condemnatory finger at the American and Japanese automobile industry, and then also maybe wag my other index finger at them in a kind of condesceneding "no no no" gesture. When I saw that commercial that featured two dickwads in tight t-shirts putting sushi in their glove box, I thought to myself, "What a great feature! And surely it has other applications than to be a repository for gay mens' lunch."
The more I thought about it, the more I realized how dangerous an uncooled glove box really is. You're barelling down the highway at a buck ten, a buck twenty, still feeling the meth from last night's binge coursing through your veins. The rising sun hits your bleary eyes; squinting, you open your glove box and remove a pair of aviator style sun glasses which should prove some respite from the sun. You put them on your face only to discover the metal frames have been heated to lava-like temperatures that immediately fuse with your eye sockets and cause you to jump in alarmed pain and careen off the road, right into the front door of the local orphanage and puppy hospital. Your car ruptures an oxygen tank, which silently spills gas that permeates every corner of the hospital, just in time for Veterinary Nurse Scorndonk's cigarette break...one flick of the lighter, and kaboom!
So as you are acquiring your holiday presents this year, please remember to keep safety on top of your "to buy" list. Following that should be a litany of disposable crap and gadgetry that draws American society ever closer to the abyss. Happy Holidays!