My Confession

When Philaflava first announced the casting call for the part of Reggie, I wasn't going to audition. I was broke at the time, living in Barcelona and touring Europe with an eight-man Zydeco band (I played the Glockenspiel). My sandals and only sweatshirt were stolen from the tour van, and I was probably at the lowest point in my life, but I was determined not to go back to America, tail between my legs, especially after "the incident." Then I got a call out of the blue from my talent agent--I hadn't heard from her in three years at the time--which put things into a different perspective for me. She said, "When you want to go to Denny's and get the Breakfast Stack with four pancakes, three eggs, bacon, sausage, a kaiser roll, a bowl of grits, home fries, and a slice of melon, do you go to the old, decrepit Denny's down on Myrtle Street, or fo you go to the new, shiny Denny's with the self-service soda fountain right by the Piggly Wiggly on Haversham Boulevard?" I had to admit that, with such a well-crafted allegory, she made great sense.
So I had resigned myself to coming back stateside, but I still wasn't going to try out for the part of Reggie. I knew I had the requisite experience and literacy, and to be sure I always knew that I could do the part. As described, Reggie was supposed to be a witty, sardonic kind of poster with good writing skills and excellent picture posting abilities. A mastery of UBB code and trivial knowledge would be a definite plus for the role. But there was one stipulation that made me believe that not only would the role be a challenge, but a near impossibility for me: Reggie was to be a skinny white guy.
You can't tell just by looking at me, but I have never been skinny. Ever since I took the gold medal at the Fatcrobatic Camp Summer Olympics in 1986, I've maintained a healthy girth through a strict regimen of not dieting or exercising. I really don't like to talk about it, because even though I am a fat person, I don't consider myself one of those typical, go-getting fat people that are obsessed with themselves and only talk about how far along they are in their cellulite gain. I see these competitive jerks all the time down at the McDonald's, shoveling Quarter Pounders with Cheese into their mouths to see who gets the first heart attack. I always think to myself, "I would have the first heart attack, if I wanted to." But I don't. I have never used my fatness for political or social gain. I don't roll that way.
Somehow, my agent convinced me to just talk with Philaflava about the role, and I agreed just to get her off my back for a minute. It turned out to be the most important conversation of my life. I met with the incredibly talented writers at philaflava.com and the executive producer, who were all very warm and excited about the possibility of us working together. The producer explained the role to me this way: it wouldn't be about a skinny guy trying to make his mark on a baby blue message board populated by rap fans and social misfits, but about a guy trying to make his mark on a baby blue message board populated by rap fans and social misfits that happened to be skinny. The writers weren't going to go for the easy "skinny rhetoric" you find on most scripted message boards, but instead try to portray Reggie as a regular fellow in this crazy, mixed-up world, just trying to make sense of it all and his twenty-four inch waist. And when I looked at it this way, I saw the role of Reggie as a great challenge that I could embrace, as opposed to embracing myself.
Well, it's been a few years, and we've had a lot of laughs, but I think it is time for me to come clean and show everyone the real me. I, Reggie "Reggie" Renfrew, am a fat person portraying a skinny person on philaflava.com. I hope that no one feels slighted or lied to by my expert portrayal of a skinny person; I did it to entertain, not to deceive. I still intend to play Reggie as a skinny person for as long as philaflava.com is renewed, but from now on you will know that a fat person is behind the suspiciously thin text. I hope that this will only allow you to gain a deeper appreciation for my craft.