The Good, the Bad, and the Mediocre
Holiday Candies
THE GOOD: Hannukah Gelt
This one is pretty much a no-brainer. It's chocolate; these things could be swastikas and they would still taste great. Usually, Hannukah gelt is made with a super-sweet milk chocolate that makes your teeth hurt just to think about it. I guess that's why they get parceled in little foil coins--if a kid got his hands on an Easter Bunny's worth of this stuff, it would probably cause his heart to explode. There isn't much documentation on the Hannukah gelt black market, wherein Jewish kids trade their gelt with Christian kids for their Christmas presents or services. But it's happening, people, and ignoring the problem isn't going to make it go away. How many more little girls must be coerced into playing Doctor for a few measly slivers of chocolate? Make the change, and make Jewish chocolate coinage your holiday candy of choice, no matter what stupid religion you subscribe to.
THE BAD: Candy Corn
Those fatcat nostalgia-peddlers on Fifth Avenue would have you believe otherwise, but candy corn is pure poison. Don't believe me? Down a handful of those suckers and then enjoy your stomach's muscular rebellion. Everyone thinks they like candy corn, and everyone thinks they can eat tonnage quantities of the stuff, but the fact is that more than five pieces of candy corn consumed in one sitting is equal to eating a tablespoon of hot, molten lava and chasing it with a Zima. Sometimes, at a Halloween party, you'll see a sugary frosted cake with candy corn decorations on it! This is like sprinkling cocaine with a little crack to give it some "kick". Next Halloween, instead of candy corn, give out something that's a little easier on kids' stomachs. Like maybe an apple with a razor blade in it.
THE MEDIOCRE: Marshmallow Peeps
It is said that when Lewis and Clark made their famous, arduous expedition into America's Heartland, they brought with them tools, hardtack, and marshmallow peeps. You can throw these things in the back of a drawer for decades and they'll still be edible. In fact, I think my parents gave me the same box of marshmallow peeps every Easter when I was a kid. I wouldn't have known because I never eat that stuff. In more recent years, marshmallow peeps have branched out into other holidays, like marshmallow skeletons for Halloween and marshmallow shamrocks for St. Patrick's Day. As far as I am concerned, this is a clear violation of the unwritten Holiday Candy Law. You don't see Valentine's Day chocolate assortments being given out for Arbor Day, do you? Or candy canes dispensed on Thanksgiving? Know your role, marshmallow peeps, and stay in your lane. Because if Hannukah gelt ever gets the idea to muscle in on your holiday, you're going to be one out-of-work bit of sugared fluff.
THE GOOD: Hannukah Gelt
This one is pretty much a no-brainer. It's chocolate; these things could be swastikas and they would still taste great. Usually, Hannukah gelt is made with a super-sweet milk chocolate that makes your teeth hurt just to think about it. I guess that's why they get parceled in little foil coins--if a kid got his hands on an Easter Bunny's worth of this stuff, it would probably cause his heart to explode. There isn't much documentation on the Hannukah gelt black market, wherein Jewish kids trade their gelt with Christian kids for their Christmas presents or services. But it's happening, people, and ignoring the problem isn't going to make it go away. How many more little girls must be coerced into playing Doctor for a few measly slivers of chocolate? Make the change, and make Jewish chocolate coinage your holiday candy of choice, no matter what stupid religion you subscribe to.
THE BAD: Candy Corn
Those fatcat nostalgia-peddlers on Fifth Avenue would have you believe otherwise, but candy corn is pure poison. Don't believe me? Down a handful of those suckers and then enjoy your stomach's muscular rebellion. Everyone thinks they like candy corn, and everyone thinks they can eat tonnage quantities of the stuff, but the fact is that more than five pieces of candy corn consumed in one sitting is equal to eating a tablespoon of hot, molten lava and chasing it with a Zima. Sometimes, at a Halloween party, you'll see a sugary frosted cake with candy corn decorations on it! This is like sprinkling cocaine with a little crack to give it some "kick". Next Halloween, instead of candy corn, give out something that's a little easier on kids' stomachs. Like maybe an apple with a razor blade in it.
THE MEDIOCRE: Marshmallow Peeps
It is said that when Lewis and Clark made their famous, arduous expedition into America's Heartland, they brought with them tools, hardtack, and marshmallow peeps. You can throw these things in the back of a drawer for decades and they'll still be edible. In fact, I think my parents gave me the same box of marshmallow peeps every Easter when I was a kid. I wouldn't have known because I never eat that stuff. In more recent years, marshmallow peeps have branched out into other holidays, like marshmallow skeletons for Halloween and marshmallow shamrocks for St. Patrick's Day. As far as I am concerned, this is a clear violation of the unwritten Holiday Candy Law. You don't see Valentine's Day chocolate assortments being given out for Arbor Day, do you? Or candy canes dispensed on Thanksgiving? Know your role, marshmallow peeps, and stay in your lane. Because if Hannukah gelt ever gets the idea to muscle in on your holiday, you're going to be one out-of-work bit of sugared fluff.
posted by Reggie Hemingway at
11:11 AM
2 Comments:
You know there is a lady selling those god awful marshmellow things as necklaces now. For about $300.
um i can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that peeps are NOT good after about 6 months, the sugar breaks down something foul.
and candy corn rules you.
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