Childrens' Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,
I want all of the Bionicles that I don't have. That is the red one, green one, white one, and the blue one. I hope you will still have them. How is Rudolph doing? I hope you have a Merry Christmas!! I am 6 years old. Please make sure that all the boys and girls in the world are happy this Christmas especially those in countries where there is war.
Love,
John!!

Dear John!!,
Your letter is all over the place. What do you want? The red, green, white, and blue Bionicles, or for all the boys and girls in the world, especially those in war-torn countries, to be happy? You can't rightly have both, dear boy. Please get back to me right away as Christmas is quickly approaching, and there's no way I'm fighting it out with those other parents at Toys R Us on Christmas Eve for Bionicles or whatever-the-fuck else. Seriously. I'll take a dozen war-torn countries over one night standing between a working mother and whatever hunk of plastic her latchkey child wants. As for Rudolph, he is okay and merely waiting for his flight instruction which I will not be able to complete until you make your desires clearer to me or my office. Hint! Hint!
Sincerely,
Santa Claus

Dear Santa,
My name is Ricky, but you probably know this already, I am 12 almost 13. I didn't had to think hard what I wanted this year for Christmas. I really wish for a Mongoose bike, so that I can hang out more with my friends. I have a bike, but I outgrew it and I thought maybe someone smaller then me could use it. I also would like a Playstation 2, my friends tell me how much fun they have on it. I need some clothes, too. They mean a lot to me. I get teased a lot in school, because I wear sometimes the same clothes. I just don't want to give my Mom everyday laundry, so no matter what I do, I get teased. I also wish you could stop the wars, why is it that people just can't get along? I know I didn't do to good in school this year, but I'll promise to try harder. I hope most of my wishes can be made true. Merry Christmas.
Sincerely,
Ricky

Dear Ricky,
I'm going to be straight with you here: there's absolutely no point in getting a Mongoose or a Playstation 2 until you have friends to share them with, and you're not going to have any friends until you do something about your wardrobe. I'm not talking about those "friends" that told you how much fun the Playstation 2 is. How exactly did they make you aware of this, Ricky? Was it like, "Oh man, Ricky, the Playstation 2 is so much fuckin' fun, you totally have to fuckin' come over and use it sometime!" or was it more like, "Rick-ee the Sick-ee! Likes to touch his dick-ee! Why are you hitting yourself, Ricky? Why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself!" It was the latter, wasn't it? Look, Rickster, I'm not trying to be tough on you here, but mom's laundry be damned; you have got to get some more gear. It doesn't even have to be too tricked out, just get rid of that Mighty Morphin Power Rangers t-shirt, eighty-six the wraparound "new wave" shades you got from Timmy's bar mitzvah and--please Ricky, for Christ's sakes--lose the velcro Muppet sneakers. Just chuck 'em. You're never going to get chicks with those kicks. And believe me, Rickinator, that's about to become a lot more important to you than some old Mongoose.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus

Dear Santa,
I am so excited about you coming to our house this year. We have put up the tree and the stockings. I think I have been a good girl this year. I hope you bring me a Barbie Singing Machine this year. I will leave you milk and cookies again this year because you seem to really like my mommy's cookies. I hope you stay warm and safe on Christmas Eve.
Your Friend,
Morgan

Dear Morgan,
My "friend"? You're my "friend" now? I'm sorry, honey, but you're no "friend" of mine, and if you were, you wouldn't put up a tree or stockings. Why do people think I like that crap? Here I am, hustling down the chimney, almost fainting from having to suck my gut in for so long, and what's that at the bottom, obscuring the hearth? Why, it's a BUNCH OF FUCKING STOCKINGS AND A GIANT EVERGREEN TREE! And you think cookies are going to make up for that nuisance? Last year, I swear, I was a second away from making off with your mom's purse. But I didn't, because I'm Santa Claus, and my morality is part of the deal. Nowhere in that "deal", however, did it say that Morgan and Santa Claus are friends. You want to be my friend, Morgan? How about you install a nice slide in your chimney and put a pillow at the bottom? Or maybe I could leave your gifts on the roof and you can pick them up in the morning. Work with me here, Morgan.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus

Hi I just want a suprise for Christmas, but what do YOU want for Christmas? Bye keep on smiling :) :)
P.S. I'm a girl and my name is Ayla

Dear Ayla,
Man, you don't know how relieved I am that you are a girl! LOL! Seriously, I get a lot of letters from dudes that want this or that from me, and they're so willing to do anything to get it...it kind of creeps me out. And I really enjoyed those smiley emoticons you used, hon! ;p Really kewl. Look, I can't really write too much right now, because Mrs. Claus is in the same room, but you can always get at me on AIM: SantaClaus420 or you can just send me a text message: (917) 555-6635. Try to call after 10 PM, though, because that's when Mrs. Claus goes to bed! K talk 2 ya l8er.
-SantaClaus420 (Use it! Really!)

Santa
I love you. I got a recipe for reindeer food. It contains sugar, oatmeal ask the reindeer if they want that. If so, where should I put it? Who is Olive, Comet Jr. and Brighteyes? Are they newborns? If yes, whose kids are they? We are going to a motel this year because of what happened last Christmas Eve. Do you think you can leave gifts at our house since we can't be there? We won't be able to sleep at our house. Also can you leave a gift for Burt even though he is not with us any more. Last Christmas he wanted a shirt. I would like to get one from you and we can leave it wrapped but we can leave it at our house and take it our memorial service we are giving him. Thanks.
Jessica

Jessica,
How many times do I have to tell you that I am really, REALLY sorry about what happened to Burt last Christmas? Maybe I had a little too much eggnog, maybe Burt shouldn't have been on that roof at 3 AM on Christmas morning, but all I know is that in almost a thousand years delivering presents to the good little boys and girls around the world, I have had ONE accident, and that was when I struck Burt on the roof of your house and fatally wounded him. No one is sorrier that this happened and I have desperately tried to make amends, both financial and emotional, ever since last year. Yet you still won't let me live it down! If I give you this t-shirt, are we even then? How about if I give you the new Barbie Silicone Playset? Let's make a deal, Jessica, because I would like to put this behind me. Your Christmas memories might be tainted for life, but I have a job to do.
-Santa

To Santa,
Our names are Chris, Sarah and John. Chris is 12, Sarah 11 and our little brother John is 4. We have all been really good this year, excpet maybe John sometimes. We have put up our Christmas tree and we got to put the decorations on. We have bought mum and dad a present and also our granny. Hopefully we will get lots of good presents for Christmas. It doesn't matter if you can't get us every thing we asked for. We will be happy with anything.
Love Chris, Sarah and John
P.S.: We will leave out some carrots for the reindeer.

Dear Chris, Sarah and John,
What a bunch of ass-kissers you kids are! Fortunately, when it comes to Santa Claus, flattery will get you everywhere. That's why this year, Chris and Sarah are the joint winners of the annual "Spoil a Kid Rotten" contest presented by North Pole Holdings, Coca Cola, and your local Wal-Mart. You will each receive a present and prize package worth over fifty thousand dollars and which includes:
- A brand new Xbox 360 with all launch titles and accessories
- A five-year supply of Coca Cola products and assorted merchandise
- A brand new, fully-loaded Kia Sedona (no driving it for a few years, kiddies!)
- A Wal-Mart five-minute shopping spree
- An audio package by JBL worth five thousand dollars
- Other coupons and great prizes!
It's just our way of saying "thanks" for supporting Santa Claus and Christmas for all these years. As for John, he was a lot worse than you made it out to be; by my count, "sometimes" turned out to be a whopping 89% percent of the time. He will be receiving only a lump of coal. Hope this doesn't cause any familial problems! Enjoy your presents and prizes, kids, and thanks for choosing the North Pole for your gift delivery needs!
Sincerely,
Santa Claus and staff

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Claus,
It must be nice there at the North Pole. If I ever could go there, I would. It seems so pretty there.
Well I gotta go eat a snack.
Love ya,
Lauren

Dear Lauren,
There's one thing we don't cotton to here at the North Pole, and that's airheads. You, in particular, sound like a real ditz. Can we stay on topic for more than twenty words, Lauren? And that "love ya" shit is soo facetious. I'll tell you what, Lauren: use the money you might have spent on a trip to the North Pole on a brain transplant. I'm giving you all educational toys for Christmas this year, so you'll need the mind power to use them!
Sincerely,
Santa Claus

Hola Santa,
Soy Mateo y tengo 4 años. Vivo en Tierra del Fuego, Argentina. Tengo dos hermanos, una Agustina de 8 años y otro Juan José de 13 años. Todos te queremos mucho y te estamos esperando. También tengo cuatro primos: Catalina, Valentina, Delfina y Felipe. Ellos también te quieren mucho y te están esperando. Ya falta muy poquito para que vengas. Estoy preparando pastito para tus renos. Y para Vos mi mamá te va a cocinar un rico arrollado de nueces y también te voy a dejar como todos los años un rico vaso de Coca Cola. Bueno Santa, quiero que me escribas para guardar tu cartita para siempre.
Te mando un abrazo muy gigante,
Mateo

Dear Mateo,
Oh shit, man...there's a guy, this elf called Eduardo that usually fields all the Spanish language letters, but he's out this whole week so...haha, I can't understand any of this. I guess you live in Argentina and you want four boats or something? And maybe some Coca Cola, from the looks of things. Well, I can handle that last part; Coca Cola and I go way back, but as for the boats...I'm going to have to check the maritime laws for Argentina. I don't think a little kid can operate a boat, much less four. Haha...oh, jeez, when is Eduardo getting back? Monday? I wonder if I should leave this for him to answer? Ah, screw it, it's almost Christmas already. This triple shift has me all bleary-eyed.
"Hasta la pasta,"
Santa Claus

Dear Santa,
I want two male guinea pigs more than anything. I know I will get 'em, but I would love you to be on backup just in case.
Jolene

Dear Jolene,
That's what I like to see: a girl that's got all her bases covered. You know, we could use a spunky go-getter like you up here at the North Pole. Truth be told, we've been doing this thing for eight-hundred years and I'm still making purchase orders on carbon paper and then inputting the P.O. numbers on an Excel spreadsheet. Think you could come streamline the operation? The job pays 50K, with benefits and a retirement package after six months. Profit-sharing after a year. Eight weeks vacation, but you can only take them during the months between February and September--the rest of the year is our busy season, you see. Interested? Fax a resume and salary requirements to the human resources office, and we'll set up an interview. I look forward to speaking with you again.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus