The Good, the Bad, and the Mediocre
Representations of Jesus Christ
THE GOOD: Crucified Jesus
This is what we want to see, right? This is the money shot: an emaciated Jesus Christ wearing a crown of thorns, a spear wound in His rib cage and His lungs about to collapse, single rivulets of blood trickling from His wrists and feet. Sometimes, He's looking down and trying to play it off like it doesn't hurt, but the better pictures are the ones where He's rolling his eyes towards the sky and His mouth is hanging open as if He's goraning, "I'm dying for your sins, motherfuckers!!!" When it comes to making people feel like crap for simply existing, nothing else will do. Sometimes you get a shot of His groupies openly weeping or trying to catch his blood in a cup (now that's fandom) and sometimes you get an action shot of armored Romans lancing Jesus, but if you don't have Jesus up on the cross, you ain't got squat. And no, a painting of Jesus hauling the cross to His crucifixion spot will not cut it. That's like a picture of someone moving a couch.
THE BAD: Black Jesus
Let me go on record as saying that I agree with KRS-One and his assertion that Jesus Christ was, Jesus Christ was, Jesus Christ was blaaaaack. Or at least he looked like other Northern Africans. In the New Testament, Jesus is described as having kinky hair and dark skin and other features associated with Africans. On canvas and in sculpture, though, Black Jesus is the wack Jesus. Most of the time, Black Jesus ends up looking suspiciously like White Jesus in blackface. Other times, the artist seems to be so concerned with rewriting conventional Christian history, that he depicts Jesus as some hard nosed ass-kicker, like Richard Roundtree in a loincloth. The result is that the Black Jesus is neither sympathetic or affable, offering neither solace or guilt. Let's be real here, Jesus Christ most likely shared more physical similarities with Jimmy "J.J." Walker than He did with Denzel Washington. Mentally, though, He was on some RZA levels.
THE MEDIOCRE: Sacred Heart Jesus
The Jesus that was picked last for kickball. I am all for representations of Jesus that depict Him as a compassionate person, but in these paintings He looks like a straight-up pussy. I know there's all types of secret Dark Ages symbolism in there, but as far as I'm concerned, Sacred Heart Jesus looks like Corey Haim with a perm. And what's up with His multi-colored robes? Last I read, Jesus was about wearing tattered clothes and rags, not donning some old layered rainbow-flavored pimp shit. This Jesus is the one you usually see on Pentecostal candles at the ninety-nine cent store, next to the fly strips and bootleg toothpaste. I think that the similarities between Sacred Heart Jesus and that damned E.T the Extra-Terrestrial might also be too much for me to bear.
THE GOOD: Crucified Jesus
This is what we want to see, right? This is the money shot: an emaciated Jesus Christ wearing a crown of thorns, a spear wound in His rib cage and His lungs about to collapse, single rivulets of blood trickling from His wrists and feet. Sometimes, He's looking down and trying to play it off like it doesn't hurt, but the better pictures are the ones where He's rolling his eyes towards the sky and His mouth is hanging open as if He's goraning, "I'm dying for your sins, motherfuckers!!!" When it comes to making people feel like crap for simply existing, nothing else will do. Sometimes you get a shot of His groupies openly weeping or trying to catch his blood in a cup (now that's fandom) and sometimes you get an action shot of armored Romans lancing Jesus, but if you don't have Jesus up on the cross, you ain't got squat. And no, a painting of Jesus hauling the cross to His crucifixion spot will not cut it. That's like a picture of someone moving a couch.
THE BAD: Black Jesus
Let me go on record as saying that I agree with KRS-One and his assertion that Jesus Christ was, Jesus Christ was, Jesus Christ was blaaaaack. Or at least he looked like other Northern Africans. In the New Testament, Jesus is described as having kinky hair and dark skin and other features associated with Africans. On canvas and in sculpture, though, Black Jesus is the wack Jesus. Most of the time, Black Jesus ends up looking suspiciously like White Jesus in blackface. Other times, the artist seems to be so concerned with rewriting conventional Christian history, that he depicts Jesus as some hard nosed ass-kicker, like Richard Roundtree in a loincloth. The result is that the Black Jesus is neither sympathetic or affable, offering neither solace or guilt. Let's be real here, Jesus Christ most likely shared more physical similarities with Jimmy "J.J." Walker than He did with Denzel Washington. Mentally, though, He was on some RZA levels.
THE MEDIOCRE: Sacred Heart Jesus
The Jesus that was picked last for kickball. I am all for representations of Jesus that depict Him as a compassionate person, but in these paintings He looks like a straight-up pussy. I know there's all types of secret Dark Ages symbolism in there, but as far as I'm concerned, Sacred Heart Jesus looks like Corey Haim with a perm. And what's up with His multi-colored robes? Last I read, Jesus was about wearing tattered clothes and rags, not donning some old layered rainbow-flavored pimp shit. This Jesus is the one you usually see on Pentecostal candles at the ninety-nine cent store, next to the fly strips and bootleg toothpaste. I think that the similarities between Sacred Heart Jesus and that damned E.T the Extra-Terrestrial might also be too much for me to bear.
posted by Reggie Hemingway at
11:13 AM
2 Comments:
What's with the sacred heart on the outside of the shirt--that's the miracle. Isn't it hard to clean?
You forgot George Carlin's "Buddy Jesus" You're a disgrace to Irish people everywhere. According to Roger, that's pretty hard to do, as the Irish are pretty damned disgraceful.
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