A Visit From Jay Gloss

T'was two weeks after Christmas,
when all through our homes
Not a blogger was stirring, not even Gentle Jones;
The harddrives hummed and the monitors glowed,
In hopes that a holiday blog soon would be shown.
The children were anxious, too impatient to speak,
And still reeling from hangover effects of last week;
And my stuffed bunny in place, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window, like a flash I flew,
Tore down the blinds and punched my fist through.
The moon on the face of the new-fallen glass
Made me forget how badly my hands had been slashed,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Jason Gloss in a hoodie, with a six-pack of beer,
With a serious expression, so full of rue,
I knew in a moment that my deadline was due.
He brought some folks to enforce the deadline with pain,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now STENNET! now HOPELESS! now BEHEMOTH and HASENFEFER!
On TERRORS! on SMITHEE! on FOJAR and MINDBENDER!
To the top of the porch! now bust down the door!
And keep pummeling Reggie until you break through the floor!"
As freight trains barrel on at impossible speeds,
When they meet with an obstacle, blast into smithereens,
So up to the doorway, the muscle they flew,
With brass knuckles and pipes, and Jason Gloss too.
And then, in a twinkling, a bright plan did form,
And it began with me shutting and locking the door.
They pummeled and pounded, with screams and with shouts,
But I just watched through the window and stuck my tongue out.
The mob was quite angry, by now thirsty for blood,
I jeered at them until, to my rear, heard a thud;
And there was Jay Gloss, about to blow up his stack,
See, I'd locked the front door but forgot about the back.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
He punched me in the nose until it swelled up like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
And I could smell on his breath that he had finished that beer;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his palm,
And brought it down on my shoulder 'til I could not feel my arm;
He had a devestating jab, got in a few uppercuts
And cemented the deal by kicking me in the nuts
My pain brought him pleasure, a right jolly old elf,
He let in the mob, quite pleased with himself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had a whole lot to dread;
He spoke not a word, just walked towards the street,
While behind him the goons just continued to beat,
And after I lay prostrate, limbs in every direction,
I was given a laptop; with a wireless connection
Gloss came within an inch of my face, his lips quivered and puckered,
He grabbed a clump of my hair and said, "Now write, motherfucker,".
As I tapped away at the keyboard, the crew left with a warn,
"UPDATE YOUR BLOG--AND DONATE TO PHILAFLAVA DOT COM!"