President Bush Appoints New Press Secretary

Washington D.C., North America -- At a hastily-convened press conference given late last night, President Bush surprised many by announcing that he was appointing a new White House press secretary, Ray Benzino, rap artist and one time co-founder of the seminal hip-hop magazine, The Source. Besides working within the structure of Source magazine, Benzino has no experience working with the press, which puzzled many of the reporters on hand.
"I just want to say that Ray Ray is a decent, hardworking man." commented President Bush to the small crowd, "I've wanted to fit him in somewhere in my administration, but he was so goldurn busy with his magazine and such." Ray Benzino and Dave Mays, founder of Source magazine, were recently ousted from their publication by the magazine's executive board. "That freed up some of his time, and we're sure glad to bring him aboard, by golly."
Wasting no time, Benzino immediately took the podium and began fielding questions. Dressed in a velour hooded sweatshirt and a pair of women's sunglasses, he was a surprisingly imposing figure and clearly intimidated some reporters. "We already won the war in Iraq. That's already in the history books." offered Benzino, completely unsolicited, "Y'all need to get your heads out of your assholes and see what's up in the streets. The streets know we won the war in Iraq."
When asked what kind of rapport he intended to keep with the press, Benzino said, "Y'all are a bunch of snakes. So I'll deal with y'all like a snake handler." Benzino then clenched a meaty fist, which made a reporter from The Nation in the front row faint dead away.
"There are going to be some changes," continued Benzino, scanning the room intently, his eyes flickering behind the rosy hue of his glasses, "first of all, question period is done. All you get are strictly answers. And the bottom line is that you all don't understand the White House. You can never understand the White House. Everything is fine at the White House. You worry about yours and I'll worry about mine."
Benzino sneered at the crowd and continued, "If any of you writes something about me, I'm coming to your [expletive] house. I'm going to ring your [expletiive] doorbell. And if you don't make me a mother[expletive] turkey sandwich and a glass of [expletive] milk, then there's going to be trouble."
Benzino then removed the microphone from its stand and ceremoniously dropped it on the ground, creating loud feedback which pierced the room's eerie atmosphere. Benzino threw his hood up and trudged off the stage, trailing Bush and some advisors throwing gang signs behind him.