I Believe That Children Are Our Future

It occurs to me that I spend ten minutes, twice a week, updating this hysterical blog for million and billions and possibly trillions of readers, yet not one of you selfish bastards has yet to give me jack shit. I'm not bitter, though. No, it's my pleasure to entertain and inform you ingrates free of charge. Sometimes, though, I think that my off-the-cuff Judy Tenuta style of humor might obfuscate the seriousness of my more infortmative blogs. Well, make no mistake, faithful readers, this blog is very, very serious. This blog is about child handlin'.
I can't help but think of that quote that Hillary Clinton stole: "It takes a woman to birth a child, but it takes a village idiot to raise it." I can't think of a more pertinent quote for this topic, excepting maybe what Mark Twain had to say on the matter: "Familiarity breeds contempt--and children." I think we all agree that there's nothing more contemptible than children, but we have to raise them right or else they might not grow up to lead good lives and have good jobs so they can take care of us when we're older. I mean, it's not like we're getting any social security, folks. And that pension plan? Read the fine print. You've been paying dividends into a system that allows your company to sell your butt hair to science. When you retire, all you're going to be left with is a shiny ass.
Possibly the first question a new parent will ask about their baby is "When will this thing start to look like a human being?" Babies begin to look human at around four to six weeks, when they enter a phase of life known as the Buddy Hackett phase (as coined by my father). No matter what the sex or skin color, a baby always looks like Buddy Hackett for a brief time. Except, of course, for Buddy Hackett. Some scientists believe that Buddy Hackett is the prototype, a template of the Original Man from which all human life stems. These scientists are desperately underfunded, however, and are in dire need of your ass hair.
Once your baby starts looking like a human being, it will soon try to move around. Many parents' impulse is to encourage this movement because they think it will promote a healthy baby. Well, they couldn't be more wrong! By forcing your child to move and walk when it would probably rather lay around and need constant catering to may scar that child for life. S/He will grow up with a low self-esteem due to the constant pressure of performing and excelling. The child will suppress intense feelings of rage, which will manifest as temper tantrums and shopping sprees and the loud playing of music that you can't stand. In short, your child will become a high school cheerleader or jock, and nobody wants that.
After a while, though, no amount of hobbling or restrictive cage will be able to stifle your child's wanderlust, and so it is eventually time to set the little crap factory free. Many parents complain that their baby gets into the cabinets and trash and makes a mess of things, and some parents even worry that their baby wander off unsupervised and get hurt. The main culprit here, I think, is that many parents use those fashionable retractable leashes that can extend up to ten feet long. Perhaps when a boy or girl is of age--say sixteen or seventeen--they can be trusted to keep such a lengthy circumference from a parent. A baby needs boundaries, however, and so I think that for a child under seven years old, no more than two feet--three feet maximum--of leash is needed. You might feel this is cruel, but a parent has got to set a perimeter and this is one of those tough decisions. You can make it up to your young one by tastefully decorating their doghouse, perhaps with some dry straw or fresh water.
Now that we've covered leash length, the only other thing a parent needs to be concerned about is how much and what kind of television they are going to expose their children to. The answer is that the television should be on all day, and should be completely unrestricted. The television is like another father, except he doesn't drink or yell at mommy or beat the children. He sits, emotionally unavailable, beaming violence and facile garbage into the brains of millions across America, draining electric energy and your will to experiment with new things. In short, the television is your best friend. Like the kid that first swiped a Playboy from his dad and brought it to school, the television keeps your child up to date on all the real skinny, without undermining your parental credibility or wasting your precious time. Yes, television will ultimately absorb thirty to forty percent of your child's young life, which will be a great defense when s/he goes berserk and mows down a schoolyard full of children.
And that's the basics of it, folks! I hope you have found my advice helpful and informative, and if you haven't, then you're probably one of those bleeding-heart parents that believes in diapers and affection and regular feeding times. When the nuclear apocalypse happens, we'll see who fares better in the aftermath: a mollycoddled little brat that relies on its parents for everything, or a child that's tethered to a stake in the backyard and has to sleep in the rain. I think it's clear who's going to be running the show in the coming decades.