I Believe That Children Are Our Future Part 2: Judgement Day
I got such a great response to my last blog that featured helpful child rearing tips, that I figured, "What the hell, I'll do another blog using the same shtick. It's not like I've got a bunch of fresh, new ideas on the back burner or anything. The people that read my blog are mostly morons and layabouts that should no more breed than they should try to open child-proof medicine bottles. They'll happily gobble up whatever trite nonsense I happen to regurgitate and if my vomitous spew actually happens to endanger any children, well I wash my hands of the whole business and I'm happy to let twenty-four hour news channels sort it out."
It seems that a common malady around the homes of single parents with young children is keeping one's child stimulated and exercised while still getting your household chores and gainful employment completed. Some neglectful parents have even resorted to paid daycare facilities--pointless, since television is free and does just as well--which means that they miss part of the most fulfilling aspect of child raising, which is filling their heads with all kinds of erroneous and purposefully misleading information. The problem here is that the children have the expendable energy while the adults have the obligations; the thing to do is switch the roles around and kill two proverbial birds with one hand in the bush. Dress your child up in coveralls made of sponge and let them run around the house, cleaning and disinfecting all of the surfaces that they normally funk up with their sticky fingers and gummy little mouths. Have your child perform your dayjob for you: if you're like most single parents in America, you work on some precision-timed fast food grill or a computer-scanned retail job which could be performed by children and most primates anyway. Make this obvious change and you'll find your little ones are all tuckered out by bedtime while you get to engage in more adult pursuits, like daytime television.
Don't worry about letting your precious little angels near kitchens and around kitchen utensils, be they Hardee's or the one at home. I'm a strong proponent of the Teach Your Kids to Cook & You Will Have a Lifelong Private Chef Program which helps teach children that cooking is fun, educational, and--except in the case of outdoor grilling--women's work. Now they say that children can handle small knives and some oven baking at age seven, but my motto is "if they're old enough to fart, they're old enough to use the Cuisinart." Children are young adults, not idiots. They can handle most deep-fry and bouillabaisse recipes by age two. By three, they should be able to fillet and bake breads and cookies. By five, your child should already be adept at making souffles and preparing sushi. Don't think your child is somehow defective if they are a little slower to learn certain cooking techniques than others. Your child is totally normal! Totally, stupidly, normal.
Any parent will tell you that the number one problem with kids is that they are constantly moving. When they should be sitting down to eat, when they should be laying down to sleep, when they should be knocked out and receiving appendectomies, kids are always prone to jumping up and running around the room. And that wouldn't be such a terrible thing if they didn't smack their heads into walls and rub their goopy little boogers on every surface. This past week I have studied one of these so-called children that I've been writing about (finally got to meet one!), and I think one of the best things a caring parent can use to restrain their rambunctuous child is a pillow with one of those decorative pillowcases that open at the middle. I have learned, through personal trial and error, that you can slip a small child's arms into the pillow so that the pillow rests on their back and holds their puny arms out straight as if they have been crucified, and then leave them alone for hours or even days at a time! The pillow becomes a device which keeps them completely immobile and safe, at least from their own high-speed stupidity. A child becomes nothing more than a helpless tortoise, laid on its back, flailing its free limbs with no effect, gasping for air and waiting for inevitable death. Uh, well that metaphor only works up until the last part. Your child shouldn't die just by being restrained by a pillow for a little while. At least mine didn't. You should probably check up on him/her every twelve hours or so to make sure they're okay.
The pillow also becomes a multi-tasker because it can also be used to hasten your child's nap time. Simply lay the child down and hold the pillow over their face until they slip off into asphyxiated dream land. The trick is to know how long to hold the pillow to knock a child out, without causing brain damage or, even worse, face damage. I use the old "pounds per minute" technique that's been handed down in back alley abortion clinics for decades: figure about two seconds per pound, half that if the child has weak or only one lung, and double it if the child can hold his/her breath for longer than ten seconds. Do a little simple math and you'll soon be given the powers of the legendary Sandman, who as far as I can tell was a skinny Robert Smith-looking guy that floated around in a gas mask and spoke cryptically to emo chicks.
It seems that a common malady around the homes of single parents with young children is keeping one's child stimulated and exercised while still getting your household chores and gainful employment completed. Some neglectful parents have even resorted to paid daycare facilities--pointless, since television is free and does just as well--which means that they miss part of the most fulfilling aspect of child raising, which is filling their heads with all kinds of erroneous and purposefully misleading information. The problem here is that the children have the expendable energy while the adults have the obligations; the thing to do is switch the roles around and kill two proverbial birds with one hand in the bush. Dress your child up in coveralls made of sponge and let them run around the house, cleaning and disinfecting all of the surfaces that they normally funk up with their sticky fingers and gummy little mouths. Have your child perform your dayjob for you: if you're like most single parents in America, you work on some precision-timed fast food grill or a computer-scanned retail job which could be performed by children and most primates anyway. Make this obvious change and you'll find your little ones are all tuckered out by bedtime while you get to engage in more adult pursuits, like daytime television.
Don't worry about letting your precious little angels near kitchens and around kitchen utensils, be they Hardee's or the one at home. I'm a strong proponent of the Teach Your Kids to Cook & You Will Have a Lifelong Private Chef Program which helps teach children that cooking is fun, educational, and--except in the case of outdoor grilling--women's work. Now they say that children can handle small knives and some oven baking at age seven, but my motto is "if they're old enough to fart, they're old enough to use the Cuisinart." Children are young adults, not idiots. They can handle most deep-fry and bouillabaisse recipes by age two. By three, they should be able to fillet and bake breads and cookies. By five, your child should already be adept at making souffles and preparing sushi. Don't think your child is somehow defective if they are a little slower to learn certain cooking techniques than others. Your child is totally normal! Totally, stupidly, normal.
Any parent will tell you that the number one problem with kids is that they are constantly moving. When they should be sitting down to eat, when they should be laying down to sleep, when they should be knocked out and receiving appendectomies, kids are always prone to jumping up and running around the room. And that wouldn't be such a terrible thing if they didn't smack their heads into walls and rub their goopy little boogers on every surface. This past week I have studied one of these so-called children that I've been writing about (finally got to meet one!), and I think one of the best things a caring parent can use to restrain their rambunctuous child is a pillow with one of those decorative pillowcases that open at the middle. I have learned, through personal trial and error, that you can slip a small child's arms into the pillow so that the pillow rests on their back and holds their puny arms out straight as if they have been crucified, and then leave them alone for hours or even days at a time! The pillow becomes a device which keeps them completely immobile and safe, at least from their own high-speed stupidity. A child becomes nothing more than a helpless tortoise, laid on its back, flailing its free limbs with no effect, gasping for air and waiting for inevitable death. Uh, well that metaphor only works up until the last part. Your child shouldn't die just by being restrained by a pillow for a little while. At least mine didn't. You should probably check up on him/her every twelve hours or so to make sure they're okay.
The pillow also becomes a multi-tasker because it can also be used to hasten your child's nap time. Simply lay the child down and hold the pillow over their face until they slip off into asphyxiated dream land. The trick is to know how long to hold the pillow to knock a child out, without causing brain damage or, even worse, face damage. I use the old "pounds per minute" technique that's been handed down in back alley abortion clinics for decades: figure about two seconds per pound, half that if the child has weak or only one lung, and double it if the child can hold his/her breath for longer than ten seconds. Do a little simple math and you'll soon be given the powers of the legendary Sandman, who as far as I can tell was a skinny Robert Smith-looking guy that floated around in a gas mask and spoke cryptically to emo chicks.
posted by Reggie Hemingway at
3:35 PM
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