Greetings, Bayside High School, Class of 1993

Welcome all friends, family, and faculty to this year's graduation ceremony at Bayside High School. I am proud and honored to be chosen as the Salutatorian for today's proceedings, even though I missed Valedictorian by one-fiftieth of a grade. I'm not bitter, though. Instead, I would like to take this opportunity to express my hope for the future and my elation at finally getting out of this damned school where I and so many others have languished in obscurity for a long time. Many people are not going to like what I have to say, but I feel it is necessary.
There is a culture of privelege and favoritism at Bayside High School, but it is not striated along ethnic or social boundaries. No, the priveleged group at this institution contains six people, each one as different from the next as night is to day, and yet they are bonded together through friendship and, regrettably, getting over on various authority figures at Bayside. None less than our principal, Mr. Belding, has allowed these six students to reach tremendous heights while the rest of the student body--totalling almost a thousand in number--have struggled to gain the slightest recognition and accreditation afforded students at other high schools. I will show how this injustice has prevailed for these past four years.
At the lowest end of this totem pole of popularity are Lisa Turtle and Samuel "Screech" Powers. While these two may be the lowest-profile of the popular crowd, they still manage to edge out all others in nearly every category. Lisa is the president of the Fashion Club, an invisible army of hopeful girls that knit and sew at her bidding. She earned the title of Homecoming Queen this year, and she was able to hold a fashion show at our beloved hang-out, The Max in order to gain acceptance to the Fashion Institute in New York. I would like to note that no other student was allowed to use The Max in this fashion. In fact, I have been going there for four years, and the owner still doesn't know my name. "Screech", on the other hand, has won the Science Fair and the Mathlympics four years in a row, and he is allowed to hold an annual insect rodeo in the cafeteria, where we eat. This goes against many health and safety laws for the state of California, and yet when Mr. Belding was approached about the issue, he shrugged and said that "Screech" would be careful. Even after Screech accidentally released several hundred silverfish into the girls' locker room and caused it to be shut down for fumigation late last year--ruining, incidentally, our chances at winning the state field hockey championships for which we were contending.
If these were the only two abusers of the selective favoritism at Bayside, it could be overlooked. However, there are still more that reap the benefits of being Bayside High School's favored elite, namely A.C. Slater and Jessica Spano. Jessie is this year's Valedictorian--she only beat me by one-fiftieth of a grade, if I didn't mention it before--as well as the Senior Class President, editor-in-chief of the yearbook staff, and captain of the Debate Team. She is also the founding member of Bayside Against Global Assassination, a position which she has refused to relenquish even though her other duties prohibited her from consistent participation. Jessie was a long-time girlfriend of A.C. Slater, who is captain of the wrestling team, the football team, the baseball team, and the swim team. Granted, since A.C. has been captain of these various teams, Bayside has enjoyed its first State Championships in every category. However, I wonder if the accolades afforded Bayside are worth the helplessness felt by many athletes who were never offered the opportunity to excel.
By far, the most egregious abusers of Mr. Belding and other members of the faculty's good graces are Bayside's favorite couple, Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski. Kelly was elected Homecoming Queen in her Junior Year--a first for Bayside--and is captain of the volleyball team, the field hockey team, and the cheerleading squad. I got to spend a lot of time around Kelly when I was on the field hockey team last year, and you know, that bitch never talked to me once. Even when I assisted with a goal, not so much as a "thanks" or "good job." I never got invited to any of her numerous sleepovers--only Jessie and Lisa were invited to attend. Kelly seemed to be well-liked by people who hope to gain a modicum of recognition at this school, but seeing that school is over and it didn't do us any good, I think you'll find that many of us think she's a stuck-up cunt. This is at least partly due to her tumultuous relationship with Bayside's favored son, Zack Morris. Zack is on the track team, but otherwise doesn't have many extracurriculars on his list, however he has been allowed to miss more school and pull more pranks without real punishment than any other student while be attended Bayside. He gave out every girl in school's phone number as part of a hireable dating service, an offense which should have resulted in expulsion, yet he received little more than a slap on the wrist. I still have to screen my calls for strangers from the local reform school looking for a date. Zack also fell short of graduation by one credit, which should have forced him to go to Summer School, and yet Mr. Belding allowed him to perform in this years laughable ballet production of Swan Lake to make up the credit. I took AP classes every summer for years just to get to the point that I am at today, while Zack Morris has been afforded a free ride the entire time.
It has been a tremendous relief to get this off my chest before my fellow classmates and esteemed teachers and professors. I know many of you feel the same way I do. May the Class of 1993 go on to do bigger and better things without hiding in the shadow of the elite six popular members of we graduating seniors. May Mr. Belding heed my condemnation of his actions not as bitter retribution, but an awakening so that he will never express such favoritism for so few for the rest of his career. And may Kelly Kapowski get fat and have her hair fall out and her nose go all crooked, the stuck-up cunt that she is. Thank you all, and enjoy the rest of the graduation ceremony.