New Yorkers Seek Renumeration After Heat Wave

First Batch of Many Expected Lawsuits Filed Today

New York, Oy Vey--After a record-breaking three-day heat wave that permeated New York City, killing one and inconveniencing millions, the city's citizens are finally getting back to life as normal. That means without power restrictions, without excessive smog alerts, and most importantly, to begin pointing fingers and placing dollar amounts on their suffering.
Energy supplier Con Edison is already under fire by several community watchdog groups and local politicians for various short-term power blackouts that happened throughout the city during the declared heat emergency. For many citizens, however, this is not enough. "My power didn't go out," said Mr. George Applepotomous of Astoria, "but I was still sweating my balls off. Don't I deserve some kind of payout for my troubles?" Attorney Mike Coditzhot apparently agrees, "The problems here don't stop at mere power outages and spoiled groceries. They reach all the way to the Sun itself."
With this in mind, dozens of lawsuits have been filed at various courthouses throughout the city, naming Mother Nature, Father Time, and the Sun God Ra, among others, as defendants. "It's time for these demi-gods to explain themselves," said Mr. Coditzhot before a small gathering of journalists, "to allow such extreme temperatures in this day and age is nothing short of unconscionable." One of the victims named in this lawsuit, Freida Heffer of Eastchester, is hoping for a settlement. "I want justice, but I'm hoping this case doesn't go to trial." she explained from the stoop of her apartment building, while vigorously fanning herself with a bus schedule. "I mean, have you ever had to sit in one of these courthouses? They get so hot and so humid. Ugh!"
Not everyone is looking to make money from litigation. Mr. Harold Heyenmeyser of Park Slope just wants answers. "I spent over forty dollars on ice cream just to cool off during the heat wave," said Mr. Heyenmeyser in between bites of a rapidly-melting ice cream cone, "but I don't want renumeration. I want answers. I want justice. What caused this terrible heat? Was it terrorists? Was it aliens? Was it the little devils inside popping corn that makes them pop? I just want answers." Mr. Heyenmeyser hopes his civil suit will spur an investigation that will provide the answers he needs.
Until these cases go to court, however, various deities and fictional characters named in the suits are presumed innocent, and therefore allowed to go free. Mr. Coditzhot had some words of warning for any of the defendants that might be looking to skip town before trial, "You can try to run, but you can't hide. Summer always comes back. And with the way we're spewing greenhouses gases into the atmosphere, you can bet that there will be another series of lawsuits on the table for next year."