"Black Friend" is Largely a Myth

White Rash, Utopia -- At the annual "I'm OK, You're Non-White" conference on race and racism in Abilene, Texas, the University of Spokane released the results of an intensive three-year study on interracial friendships, with some surprising results. The report, a joint effort of the esteemed sociology and anthropology departments, definitively showed what many already suspected about interracial friendships in America: there aren't many. Most surprisingly, however, was the revelation that, though many white people purport to having a "black friend", this is not actually the case, in a literal sense.
"It seems that the 'black friend' spectre rears its head whenever a group of white people want to discuss racism," explained Professor J. Abu of the University of Spokane, "because it lends them an air of credibility. When pressed on the matter, many of these white people have been proven to have no black friends and barely any non-white friends at all." The most common interracial friendships with white people were with Asians, but respectable numbers were placed among latinos and Canadians. By and large, friendships between black and white people ranked lowest among interracial friendships, comprising less than 3% of friendships of any kind across the country.
One anonymous white person, cited in the report, admitted, "When I say 'I have a black friend,' I'm actually thinking of Jerome Watkinson from seventh grade. We sat next to each other, I lent him a pencil a couple of times. We got along pretty well." Another anonymous contributor offered this insight, "I have plenty of black colleagues, black people live in my neighborhood. We're all friendly with each other. Sure, we don't hang out or necessarily know each other by name, but we tolerate each other's existence, which is the first step towards friendship."
Professor Abu was less than glib about the findings. "The problem with the 'black friend' myth is that it suggests that, by having this black friend, one is allowed to opine on matters of race and racism because they, by an act of friendship, are proven not to be racist. It is actually quite the opposite." Stated Prof. Abu, "Allowing one black friend--real or imagined--to bestow a pass on a white person by association merely continues the same racist thinking where one person of color is an ambassador for an entire culture or race. I mean, this one black friend could be a total asshole."
Professor Abu also noted that many white people who actually do have a black friend are unknowingly sharing that same black friend with many other white people. "There were several cases where a white person was able to produce evidence of their black friend, and there were instances where disparate white people did have the same person as their black friend. In Southern California, there was a case where two-hundred white people all claimed the same black person as their friend." That person, who is unnamed for privacy reasons, was raised in an upper class all-white neighborhood and went to predominantly white private schools. "So you see," continued Professor Abu, "even though the black friend may be actual, it still doesn't give him the authority to bestow 'ghetto passes' or what-have-you."
Bruce Gordon of the NAACP couldn't be reached for comment, but Bruce Jenkins of 10th Avenue and 135th Street in New York City said, "Who wants one of these cracker bitches for a friend anyway?"