The Good, the Bad, and the Mediocre
Commercial Cartoon Animal Mascots
THE GOOD: Famous Dave's BBQ chef pig
There isn't much in this world more entertaining than a cute li'l animal enticing you to eat himself and his family. It's this humble recognition of their place on the food chain that makes many animals so cuddly. "Just reach in and grab a hunk of my rib cage, I don't mind. I was just going to spend my life stewing in my own shit anyway. Enjoy!" Different Famous Dave's apparently have variation on the pig chef, but I like the one pictured above because he's actually preparing to serve a member of his own species. I like to think it's his mother, who doted on and mollycoddled him as a piglet, wouldn't let him root his snout around with the other pigs in the pen, held him back from dating sows and ultimately crippled his socialization skills. You said I'd always be in your heart, mom, well I peeled back your hide and found out that it wasn't true. Now I'm curing your ass in some brine in preparation for some thick-cut, country-style bacon. You really should have sprung for soccer camp.
THE BAD: Microsoft Windows search dog
This is what happens when attempting to be "user friendly" goes too far. Heavens forbid we employ a search option that doesn't come with an uninspired cartoon figure to walk us through it! This little yellow mutt is really more trouble than its worth, asking a litany of questions when all I want to do is find out which folder I dropped the Dustin "Screech" Diamond celebrity porno into. The dog goes through all these minstrations and animations that are supposed to be cute, but they just eat up disk space that could be used to, you know, employ a faster search engine. Little old ladies that use the computer to receive e-mailed photos of family members, which get promptly printed out anyway, wouldn't know how to create a folder much less do a file search. And for the younger generation, waiting ten seconds for a videotaped street fight to load from YouTube is an endlessly aggravating hassle. Let's do the humane thing and euthanize this stupid dog already.
THE MEDIOCRE: Geico Car Insurance Aussie lizard
Look, no one is saying that Australian accents aren't funny. They are. This was proven way back in the Eighties when that crew-cut weightlifter from Oz did a Duracell commercial. I don't remember anything about it except that his catch phrase was "Oi!" So I get it: Aussies are crude and hilarious. But this little lizard really leaves much to be desired. Where's the slang gibberish? Where's the ten-inch hunting knife? How is this little tyke going to put "shrimp on the barbie" when each prawn is almost as big as he is? Is he ever going to get around to telling us about the amazing new space age Vaccu-Broom or what? It's a decent effort, but I prefer my Australians to be throwing money from hot-air balloons or thrusting their fists into the mouths of crocodiles. This bald little reptile doesn't even have a funny haircut. I think I'll go with esurance.com; they have a hot cartoon chick plugging for their wares.
THE GOOD: Famous Dave's BBQ chef pig
There isn't much in this world more entertaining than a cute li'l animal enticing you to eat himself and his family. It's this humble recognition of their place on the food chain that makes many animals so cuddly. "Just reach in and grab a hunk of my rib cage, I don't mind. I was just going to spend my life stewing in my own shit anyway. Enjoy!" Different Famous Dave's apparently have variation on the pig chef, but I like the one pictured above because he's actually preparing to serve a member of his own species. I like to think it's his mother, who doted on and mollycoddled him as a piglet, wouldn't let him root his snout around with the other pigs in the pen, held him back from dating sows and ultimately crippled his socialization skills. You said I'd always be in your heart, mom, well I peeled back your hide and found out that it wasn't true. Now I'm curing your ass in some brine in preparation for some thick-cut, country-style bacon. You really should have sprung for soccer camp.
THE BAD: Microsoft Windows search dog
This is what happens when attempting to be "user friendly" goes too far. Heavens forbid we employ a search option that doesn't come with an uninspired cartoon figure to walk us through it! This little yellow mutt is really more trouble than its worth, asking a litany of questions when all I want to do is find out which folder I dropped the Dustin "Screech" Diamond celebrity porno into. The dog goes through all these minstrations and animations that are supposed to be cute, but they just eat up disk space that could be used to, you know, employ a faster search engine. Little old ladies that use the computer to receive e-mailed photos of family members, which get promptly printed out anyway, wouldn't know how to create a folder much less do a file search. And for the younger generation, waiting ten seconds for a videotaped street fight to load from YouTube is an endlessly aggravating hassle. Let's do the humane thing and euthanize this stupid dog already.
THE MEDIOCRE: Geico Car Insurance Aussie lizard
Look, no one is saying that Australian accents aren't funny. They are. This was proven way back in the Eighties when that crew-cut weightlifter from Oz did a Duracell commercial. I don't remember anything about it except that his catch phrase was "Oi!" So I get it: Aussies are crude and hilarious. But this little lizard really leaves much to be desired. Where's the slang gibberish? Where's the ten-inch hunting knife? How is this little tyke going to put "shrimp on the barbie" when each prawn is almost as big as he is? Is he ever going to get around to telling us about the amazing new space age Vaccu-Broom or what? It's a decent effort, but I prefer my Australians to be throwing money from hot-air balloons or thrusting their fists into the mouths of crocodiles. This bald little reptile doesn't even have a funny haircut. I think I'll go with esurance.com; they have a hot cartoon chick plugging for their wares.
posted by Reggie Hemingway at
11:43 AM
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