Halloween Safety Tips
Today is Halloween, a day when children dress up as their favorite toy commercials and go around the neighborhood begging for morsels of sugar. It is a holiday rich in tradition and purchase-point marketing campaigns, and it is probably the only time of year you can scare kids into soiling their underwear without being brought up on child abuse charges. Halloween is not, however, without its pitfalls and dangers, and so I have devised a short list of simple but effective ideas you can implement to ensure that you will have a happy and safe All Hallow's Eve.
Do not separate from your group in order to smoke pot or have sex.
This is probably the most important rule to observe on Halloween, yet it is the one least followed by nubile teenagers and college co-eds. For reasons not entirely known, nothing incenses a serial killer more than young people smoking weed and/or screwing. It drives them into a mad rage that will certainly result in dismemberment and death. My theory is that most serial killers are neo-conservatives driven to the edge of sanity by the strict moral demands of their political party, so they have chosen to take matters into their own hands and bring righteousness back to America one person at a time. This is why I strongly advise against illegally crossing the Mexican-American border or having a gay marriage ceremony on Halloween as well.
Do not engage in long telephone conversations with murderers
About twenty percent of Halloween murders occur because the victim stayed on the phone with their killer long enough for said killer to sneak up behind them. This is particularly important in this age of cellular phones, which allows a razor-wielding maniac more space to roam about than ever before. Try to keep conversations with these crazies to a minimum, asking "Who is this?" once or maybe twice. If you find yourself saying, "I don't appreciate this, Bobby, it isn't funny," more than three times, then you've stayed on the phone for too long. If you pick up the phone and hear a raspy voice mutter, "I'm going to kill you," politely thank the caller and hang up, then arm yourself with a golf club and retreat to a corner of the room.
If you come face-to-face with a serial killer, do pretend to be his mother
It's no secret that most serial killers have serious Oedipal issues, and you can use that fact to your advantage. It doesn't need to be an incredible performance, just one convincing enough for a brain-damaged man-child to believe. Use simple phrases like "come to mommy" and "that's a good boy" and other things that the killer's mother most likely never said to him when she was alive, and not a skeleton with a wig on secured to a rocking chair in a basement. Most importantly, make sure that you are directly in the line of sight between the killer and his mother's corpse. You are trying to soothe, and not confuse this dangerous character.
When trapped, stall for time
If you are lucky enough to have encountered a serial killer of the coherent type, then you can stall for time and lengthen your life by precious moments if you engage the killer in conversation. Appeal to his ego and force him to reveal his masterful, diabolical plan. Serial killers are much like serial movie villains, in this respect, except where serial movie villains want to take over the world, serial killers are just acting on their violent and confused sexual impulses. And hey, you never know--you just might make a friend.
Do not go into the basement
I don't care what it sounds like down there, do not go into the basement under any circumstances. You will find dismembered bodies and, more than likely, a sickle-wielding murderer. If it really is just a cat, or just the wind, then there's no harm in checking tomorrow morning in the light of day, is there? Seriously, just stay upstairs, huddled under a blanket and clutching a flashlight with dying batteries. You'll be much safer and, if you're lucky, the killer will expire from asbestos inhalation long before you need to go down and get another jar of apple butter (NOTE: bring up extra apple butter on October 30th just to be sure).
Do not separate from your group in order to smoke pot or have sex.
This is probably the most important rule to observe on Halloween, yet it is the one least followed by nubile teenagers and college co-eds. For reasons not entirely known, nothing incenses a serial killer more than young people smoking weed and/or screwing. It drives them into a mad rage that will certainly result in dismemberment and death. My theory is that most serial killers are neo-conservatives driven to the edge of sanity by the strict moral demands of their political party, so they have chosen to take matters into their own hands and bring righteousness back to America one person at a time. This is why I strongly advise against illegally crossing the Mexican-American border or having a gay marriage ceremony on Halloween as well.
Do not engage in long telephone conversations with murderers
About twenty percent of Halloween murders occur because the victim stayed on the phone with their killer long enough for said killer to sneak up behind them. This is particularly important in this age of cellular phones, which allows a razor-wielding maniac more space to roam about than ever before. Try to keep conversations with these crazies to a minimum, asking "Who is this?" once or maybe twice. If you find yourself saying, "I don't appreciate this, Bobby, it isn't funny," more than three times, then you've stayed on the phone for too long. If you pick up the phone and hear a raspy voice mutter, "I'm going to kill you," politely thank the caller and hang up, then arm yourself with a golf club and retreat to a corner of the room.
If you come face-to-face with a serial killer, do pretend to be his mother
It's no secret that most serial killers have serious Oedipal issues, and you can use that fact to your advantage. It doesn't need to be an incredible performance, just one convincing enough for a brain-damaged man-child to believe. Use simple phrases like "come to mommy" and "that's a good boy" and other things that the killer's mother most likely never said to him when she was alive, and not a skeleton with a wig on secured to a rocking chair in a basement. Most importantly, make sure that you are directly in the line of sight between the killer and his mother's corpse. You are trying to soothe, and not confuse this dangerous character.
When trapped, stall for time
If you are lucky enough to have encountered a serial killer of the coherent type, then you can stall for time and lengthen your life by precious moments if you engage the killer in conversation. Appeal to his ego and force him to reveal his masterful, diabolical plan. Serial killers are much like serial movie villains, in this respect, except where serial movie villains want to take over the world, serial killers are just acting on their violent and confused sexual impulses. And hey, you never know--you just might make a friend.
Do not go into the basement
I don't care what it sounds like down there, do not go into the basement under any circumstances. You will find dismembered bodies and, more than likely, a sickle-wielding murderer. If it really is just a cat, or just the wind, then there's no harm in checking tomorrow morning in the light of day, is there? Seriously, just stay upstairs, huddled under a blanket and clutching a flashlight with dying batteries. You'll be much safer and, if you're lucky, the killer will expire from asbestos inhalation long before you need to go down and get another jar of apple butter (NOTE: bring up extra apple butter on October 30th just to be sure).
posted by Reggie Hemingway at
11:12 AM
2 Comments:
Can I wear high heels and start running?
what would be the proper distance for me to run from the serial killer before I fall, say, by tripping on the root of a tree. please also consider that when I fall it would be nice to discover one of my recently bludgeoned friends faces stiffened in a shocked gasp.
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