I probably shouldn't have eaten all those hamburgers

Oh god. I am dying. This is really it. I can't feel my left arm and my chest feels like it's going to snap. This is no murmur. I am having the mother of all heart attacks and there's no one around to help. I guess I brought this on myself by eating all of those goddamned hamburgers.
Looking back on my life, I don't really regret it. You know, I didn't pay for a single one? Mooched 'em all, tens if not hundreds of thousands of minced beef sandwiches. I could go for one right now. If it weren't for this searing chest pain, I'd stroll over to the wharf and rustle up a mark to pay for my hamburger. Tell him I'm one of the Jones boys, Jones is the name. I get paid Tuesday, and I'd gladly repay a small loan on that day. Heh. Sucker.
Even though I ate solely hamburgers for most of my life, I tried to eat healthy. I always tried to get pickles, onion, and lettuce on all of them. Sometimes I would grind a cow on the spot to have the freshest ground chuck available. Sure, it wasn't with the owner's consent or even foreknowledge, but I presume he would be satisfied that his bovine was consumed by a hamburger aficionado. Perhaps I didn't always follow local health statutes to the letter. Perhaps there was some bone or cow eye in some of my sandwiches. Perhaps that oversight has contributed to the deplorable state I find myself in right now.
I'll tell you, though, it wasn't really about the hamburgers. It was fleecing poor rubes into buying them for me. You can't understand the rush. One time, I wooed a lady who had a crying baby. She gave me a dollar to go get the little tyke some milk. I tipped my hat and high-tailed it to the greasy spoon and ordered up ten whoppers. They were more succulent than the most ripened fruit, even more because I had stolen them from the mouth of a hungry baby. I wonder what happened to that kid.
Well, no matter. Despite my unfortunate first name (my mother named me that--I swear!) I do not fear my passage into the great beyond. Though I scammed every morsel of food I ever ate, I have lived a humble and good life. I'm pretty sure I'm going to heaven. Unless they eat vegetarian up there, that is. I'd gladly sell my soul Tuesday for a hamburger today.