Writing from an internet cafe

Right now, I am writing this blog from an internet cafe in Paris. I got in late last night, around 11 PM Paris time, and went straight up to my hotel room to settle in and get some much-needed bedrest. I took out my laptop and attempted to access the internet, only to find that the hotel's promised wireless connection was on the fritz. Damn it! I called down to the lobby and advised them of this problem, and they said they were aware of it and it was being worked on. This morning, the connection still wasn't working, so the concierge told me about an internet cafe a block away, and gave me some vouchers I could use until the hotel's connection was back up.
It's a very nice internet cafe, more into ambience and being a coffee shop than it is about being a hireable access to the internet. I have to use some clunky old G5 Macintosh computers (ugh!) but I suppose beggars can't be choosers. They serve some food here, I got a croissant and a can of Coke; the croissant is good but honestly I think the ones at the 7-11 are better and more hygienic. I'm glad to be in Paris, my first trip overseas, so I can finally see how they do things in Europe. For starters, they are not as interested in maintaining their wireless internet connections here as we are in America!
There's a girl sitting next to me, I think she's French. Whatever she is, she's not American because the pages she's looking at on the internet are all in some weird language. I think it's a news site because it looks like it's all these articles with bylines, but I can't be sure. She doesn't smell badly like people told me that Europeans can smell. I can't really discern any smell from her at all, not without really leaning in and taking a whiff. I don't think she would appreciate that, though. There's two other guys here in the cafe, one is a slight, balding man with glasses and the other a fat hairy guy with a beard that looks like he smells. But he's all the way on the other side of the room, so I'm not going over to find out.
I'm glad I finally got some internet access so I can keep up with important things while I am on vacation. I don't really know what to do here, I hear there's a famous museum but I probably won't do more than check it out from the outside because it has an internet tour that is much less crowded (lol!). I also saw the Eiffel Tower this morning while on my way to this cafe, if I have time after I read and respond to my e-mail and check in on my brethren at the World of Warcraft forum, I'll go see what that's about. I hear the McDonald's serve beer here, I'm definitely going to see what that is about. I'll check back in with the blogosphere tomorrow when hopefully my hotel has its internet connection back--if not, it's another day at the cafe, I suppose.

I may have been less than honest about the quality of your artwork

My beautiful Janie. Daddy's little princess. I remember when you came home from the hospital, almost nine years ago, I knew you were special. And I swore then that I would always protect you from harm and provide you with everything I possibly could. Daddy loves you so much. That's why I think that it's important for me to be totally honest with you. It isn't right to lie, is it darling? No, it isn't. And daddy lied to his little girl, and now daddy wants to make it right. Jane, daddy hasn't been altogether forthcoming about the quality of your artwork.
Now it isn't that your artwork is bad, Janie. It just isn't very good. And now that you've entered in the State-wide Art Competition for Grades Three Through Five, I just don't want you to get your hopes up. I want you to do well, sweetheart, but I think daddy may have given you the wrong impression by praising your past work and displaying it on the refrigerator. Your art shows a lot of promise, Janie. Let's review some of it and maybe I can give you some constructive criticism for the future. Okay?
Now, see here, Janie? See how you drew a picture of mommy and daddy and you in front of our house? It's a nice picture, Janie, but there are some things that are clearly very wrong with it. For one thing, you made mommy and I bigger than the house. If this was an attempt at showing perspective, you really kind of missed the mark. If you wanted to show mommy and daddy in the foreground of the picture, then you should have--pay attention, Janie--you should have put the horizon around the center of the page and then placed the house and mommy and daddy accordingly. See what I'm doing, Janie? Don't cry, sweetheart. Don't cry. Daddy isn't ruining your picture. He's making it better.
And there's another thing about the horizon, Janie. You see how you put a stripe of blue way up here at the top of the page and then a stripe of green at the bottom of the page and left the middle of the page uncolored? You see that, Janie? What is this blue stripe supposed to be? It's supposed to be the sky, isn't it, Janie? But the sky doesn't look like that, does it? No, the sky is blue from wayyy above the clouds all the way down to the horizon. What you did was just lazy, wasn't it, Janie? And it was really erroneous. And it's not going to even win you third prize in the State-wide Art Competition for Grades Three Through Five. I'm sorry to have to break it to you like this, Janie.
I just want to set the record straight, my little sugarplum. Daddy is sorry for misleading you all these years. Dry your eyes, Janie. Don't cry. So you won't be a great artist someday, that's okay. Daddy still loves you. And there will always be a place at daddy's accounting firm for you. When you're older.

Pres. Bush formally hands U.S. over to Comedy Central

Mind of Mencia onslaught brings America to breaking point

America, La La Land -- In a move which shocked and relieved many American citizens, President George Bush made an emergency announcement last night that he would be surrending the country, effective immediately, to cable television station Comedy Central. Perhaps the most poignant phrase of his short speech was this: "Americans are the strongest, most resilient people in the world. We have repelled terrorists and others who hate freedom and Democracy. However we never expected to encounter a foe as diabolical and relentless as Carlos Mencia."
Bush was speaking of the host for Comedy Central's weekly program, Mind of Mencia, which features Mr. Mencia doing stand-up and performing in poorly-performed sketches, mostly centered around people's cultural and racial differences. While it is not a very popular show, it's time slot between the station's highest rated programs, South Park and The Daily Show, proved to be too much for many Americans who might have lost the remote control to their televisions and are too obese and/or lazy to search for it. As a result hundreds of thousands of Americans were subjected to this terrible program every week, often with disastrous results.
"I didn't really see the harm at first," commented mother of two Freida Jaegermouth, of Toad Suck, Arkansas, "I just lumped it in with other crappy shows in Comedy Central's piss-poor lineup. But when I heard my little Bobby repeating one of those terrible jokes from that Mencia show..." Mrs. Jaegermouth then began sobbing uncontrollably, and exclaimed, "We know white people can't dance! Give it a rest already!"
Former President Bush appeared calm and resolved when he made his announcement to the American public, mere moments before another soul-crushing episode of Mind of Mencia was to air. "I am an American, and I fight for America," he said, "and that is just as true for our mental as well as our physical security. Mind of Mencia is a serious threat to our mental security, so great that I feel we must acquiesce to their demands and submit the United States to Comedy Central's control." Bush went on to explain that the only stipulation of this accord would be that Mind of Mencia would never be aired for broadcast again, and Carlos Mencia would be fed to feral pigs before a freely-admitted audience, location to be named.
Political analyst George Dimplebrink seemed amused at the turn of events. "Honestly, I never expected this," he explained, "America has stood strong against seemingly stupider shows than Mind of Mencia. We almost lost the whole kit and kaboodle when Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? aired, but luckily that was a short-run series and the country was able to recover. Something about ...Mencia is so pervasively moronic that almost no one can escape it. Your neighbor could have it on the television in the next house, and your proximity would still be close enough that you'd lose IQ points every minute it was on."
This morning, former President Bush seemed jovial as he packed his personal effects and prepared to vacate the White House. "I'm just an ordinary citizen now," he told reporters and well-wishers, "and I don't expect to be labeled a hero. I did what I had to." Comedy Central could not be reached for comment, though contruction on a gigantic statue of David Spade has begun in Washington DC's Capitol Mall.

Samuel Powers named as new Director of the CIA

Washington DC, America -- Members of the press corps were surprised by a hastily-convened press conference where they learned that current CIA Director Porter Gloss would be stepping down, effective immediately. This news comes on the heels of several investigations into the Agency's prior knowledge of the 9/11 Terrorist Attacks that have thrown the spotlight on Gloss. Citing "untoward publicity" and "damned papparazzi," Gloss gave a brief but impassioned speech to explain his position before storming out of the White House Press Room indignantly. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan abrupty took the podium to announce Gloss' replacement, a young, curly-haired man by the name of Samuel "Screech" Powers.
"Mr. Powers doesn't technically have the background to be Director of the CIA," began McClellan, "however he has an honest reputation and graduated Valedictorian of his high school." McClellan gave a few more credentials before allowing Powers to introduce himself. As soon as Powers took a step towards the podium, his ankle became entangled in some microphone wires, causing him to pitch forward and collapse on top of the podium, which splintered into toothpicks. The wires snared by his foot pulled several microphones from the stand, which whipped around the press room and nearly gave several members of the corps black eyes. Powers stood up and brushed his suit off and gave a smirk which instantly charmed everyone in the room, myself included, and we all broke out into spontaneous laughter and settled back into our positions.
Powers then took out a stack of index cards and prepared to read a speech, then he dropped them and scattered the cards across the stage. Stumbling after them, he kept accidentally kicking a particular card until it landed on the shoe of McClellan. Powers grabbed McClellan's foot, causing him to pitch forward and collapse on top of Powers. Admist uproarious laughter from the corps, an embarassed McClellan asked for a lunch recess while the room was put back into order.
After lunch, the corps assembled in the Press Room again and Powers took the podium. "Ladies and gentlemen of depressed...oops!" Powers caught his gaffe while reporters chuckled lowly to themselves. "Er, I mean 'the press'! Uh, it's a great honor to be appointed as the new director of the kaya...oops! I mean the C-I-A! Aw, shucks, I'm no good at speeches," said Powers, resignedly, as he put his index cards away. "Look, I'm just glad to be here and you can all call me 'Screech.' Everybody else does. Even my mom!" Powers then bugged out his eyes and twitched his mouth in such a way that caused the room to burst into laughter again, and caused one reporter to spit out his coffee.
"I plan to do as good a job as my predecessor," continued Powers, "because I know that our country's safety depends on our ability to collect vital intelligence against terrorists and those who would do us harm." Powers seemed unusually composed and the room settled back into seriousness, when Powers' voice suddenly pitched into a squeal as he enthusiastically exclaimed, "That's why we're illegally torturing political prisoners and seditionists in Guantanamo Bay...oops!"