Halloween Safety Tips

Today is Halloween, a day when children dress up as their favorite toy commercials and go around the neighborhood begging for morsels of sugar. It is a holiday rich in tradition and purchase-point marketing campaigns, and it is probably the only time of year you can scare kids into soiling their underwear without being brought up on child abuse charges. Halloween is not, however, without its pitfalls and dangers, and so I have devised a short list of simple but effective ideas you can implement to ensure that you will have a happy and safe All Hallow's Eve.

Do not separate from your group in order to smoke pot or have sex.
This is probably the most important rule to observe on Halloween, yet it is the one least followed by nubile teenagers and college co-eds. For reasons not entirely known, nothing incenses a serial killer more than young people smoking weed and/or screwing. It drives them into a mad rage that will certainly result in dismemberment and death. My theory is that most serial killers are neo-conservatives driven to the edge of sanity by the strict moral demands of their political party, so they have chosen to take matters into their own hands and bring righteousness back to America one person at a time. This is why I strongly advise against illegally crossing the Mexican-American border or having a gay marriage ceremony on Halloween as well.

Do not engage in long telephone conversations with murderers
About twenty percent of Halloween murders occur because the victim stayed on the phone with their killer long enough for said killer to sneak up behind them. This is particularly important in this age of cellular phones, which allows a razor-wielding maniac more space to roam about than ever before. Try to keep conversations with these crazies to a minimum, asking "Who is this?" once or maybe twice. If you find yourself saying, "I don't appreciate this, Bobby, it isn't funny," more than three times, then you've stayed on the phone for too long. If you pick up the phone and hear a raspy voice mutter, "I'm going to kill you," politely thank the caller and hang up, then arm yourself with a golf club and retreat to a corner of the room.

If you come face-to-face with a serial killer, do pretend to be his mother
It's no secret that most serial killers have serious Oedipal issues, and you can use that fact to your advantage. It doesn't need to be an incredible performance, just one convincing enough for a brain-damaged man-child to believe. Use simple phrases like "come to mommy" and "that's a good boy" and other things that the killer's mother most likely never said to him when she was alive, and not a skeleton with a wig on secured to a rocking chair in a basement. Most importantly, make sure that you are directly in the line of sight between the killer and his mother's corpse. You are trying to soothe, and not confuse this dangerous character.

When trapped, stall for time
If you are lucky enough to have encountered a serial killer of the coherent type, then you can stall for time and lengthen your life by precious moments if you engage the killer in conversation. Appeal to his ego and force him to reveal his masterful, diabolical plan. Serial killers are much like serial movie villains, in this respect, except where serial movie villains want to take over the world, serial killers are just acting on their violent and confused sexual impulses. And hey, you never know--you just might make a friend.

Do not go into the basement
I don't care what it sounds like down there, do not go into the basement under any circumstances. You will find dismembered bodies and, more than likely, a sickle-wielding murderer. If it really is just a cat, or just the wind, then there's no harm in checking tomorrow morning in the light of day, is there? Seriously, just stay upstairs, huddled under a blanket and clutching a flashlight with dying batteries. You'll be much safer and, if you're lucky, the killer will expire from asbestos inhalation long before you need to go down and get another jar of apple butter (NOTE: bring up extra apple butter on October 30th just to be sure).

New Jersey Allows Gay, Mutant Marriages

New Joisey, NJ -- The state supreme court of New Jersey handed down a landmark ruling this week that allowed same sex couples the right to the priveleges of marriage, though they will technically be considered civil unions. Tacked onto this ruling was a stipulation also granting genetically mutated people the right to marry and obtain fishing licenses, reversing a law that has been on the books since the seventeenth century. It is hoped that the "mutant marriage" law will have a snowball effect and lead to other mutant-friendly legislation, including the right to obtain driver's licenses and the right to shop in public during daylight hours.
"In no way should this combined ruling be received as an insinuation that homosexuals and mutants are the same," said Assemblyman Reed Gusgora at a Trenton press conference, "there is a difference. Mutants are genetically-deformed humans that often have visible physical deformities as well as superhuman powers, like the ability to shoot lasers from their eyes or control invisible electromagnetic forces. Homosexuals are simply abominations to God."
The ruling has led to much controversy and protest by conservative Christian and anti-mutant groups. "This is an abomination to the institution of marriage," said Gertie Jasperson of the Children Now! coalition, which has been against progressive marriage legislation for years, "A marriage is a holy union between a man and a woman, not some tax break for a guy with tentacles for arms and a woman that can turn invisible. God must be spinning in His grave about now."
Another protestor, who asked for anonimity, said, "They already get the handicapped seats on the bus. What more do they want?"
Assemblyman Gusgora noted that this ruling was not only fair but necessary. "New Jersey has always been known as a progressive, tolerant state. We also have the highest concentration of mutants within our citizenry in the country. We feel that to exclude both homosexuals and mutants from the marriage rights afforded our heterosexual voters is not a fair reflection of our state." After a thoughtful pause, Gusgora concluded with, "Perhaps when we shut down the Hoboken chemical plants, we can review this legislation. Until then, mutants are here to stay."

The Good, the Bad, and the Mediocre

Commercial Cartoon Animal Mascots

THE GOOD: Famous Dave's BBQ chef pig


There isn't much in this world more entertaining than a cute li'l animal enticing you to eat himself and his family. It's this humble recognition of their place on the food chain that makes many animals so cuddly. "Just reach in and grab a hunk of my rib cage, I don't mind. I was just going to spend my life stewing in my own shit anyway. Enjoy!" Different Famous Dave's apparently have variation on the pig chef, but I like the one pictured above because he's actually preparing to serve a member of his own species. I like to think it's his mother, who doted on and mollycoddled him as a piglet, wouldn't let him root his snout around with the other pigs in the pen, held him back from dating sows and ultimately crippled his socialization skills. You said I'd always be in your heart, mom, well I peeled back your hide and found out that it wasn't true. Now I'm curing your ass in some brine in preparation for some thick-cut, country-style bacon. You really should have sprung for soccer camp.

THE BAD: Microsoft Windows search dog


This is what happens when attempting to be "user friendly" goes too far. Heavens forbid we employ a search option that doesn't come with an uninspired cartoon figure to walk us through it! This little yellow mutt is really more trouble than its worth, asking a litany of questions when all I want to do is find out which folder I dropped the Dustin "Screech" Diamond celebrity porno into. The dog goes through all these minstrations and animations that are supposed to be cute, but they just eat up disk space that could be used to, you know, employ a faster search engine. Little old ladies that use the computer to receive e-mailed photos of family members, which get promptly printed out anyway, wouldn't know how to create a folder much less do a file search. And for the younger generation, waiting ten seconds for a videotaped street fight to load from YouTube is an endlessly aggravating hassle. Let's do the humane thing and euthanize this stupid dog already.

THE MEDIOCRE: Geico Car Insurance Aussie lizard


Look, no one is saying that Australian accents aren't funny. They are. This was proven way back in the Eighties when that crew-cut weightlifter from Oz did a Duracell commercial. I don't remember anything about it except that his catch phrase was "Oi!" So I get it: Aussies are crude and hilarious. But this little lizard really leaves much to be desired. Where's the slang gibberish? Where's the ten-inch hunting knife? How is this little tyke going to put "shrimp on the barbie" when each prawn is almost as big as he is? Is he ever going to get around to telling us about the amazing new space age Vaccu-Broom or what? It's a decent effort, but I prefer my Australians to be throwing money from hot-air balloons or thrusting their fists into the mouths of crocodiles. This bald little reptile doesn't even have a funny haircut. I think I'll go with esurance.com; they have a hot cartoon chick plugging for their wares.

Detroit Tigers motivated by fans, lucrative endorsement deals

Detroit, MI -- Still elated after taking the American League pennant late last week, members of the Detroit Tigers are geared up to win the entire World Series, many of them practicing and training harder than ever before. "We owe it to the fans," said manager Jim Leyland of the team, which has not won a championship since 1984, "but more than the fans, we owe it to our accountants and our investment portfolios."
Endorsement deals for everything from toothpaste to quick-dry epoxy have been rolling in for the Tigers since they clinched their spot in the pennant race last Friday, October 13th, but members of the team say they are holding out for the big corporations before signing any contracts. "I really think we have a good chance of winning the whole thing," said catcher Ivan Rodriguez, "if we just focus and keep our minds on the potential four-million dollar contract that will be offered to me by Rogaine." When asked if he was balding, Rodriguez replied, "No, but why wait for a full pitching count when you can blast a home run on the first toss? That statement right there will hopefully earn me two-hundred thou in a week and a half."
A problem did arise when first baseman Sean Casey had to discontinue talks with fast food giant KFC before any money could be offered. This was due to a clause in star pitcher Kenny Roger's player contract that the Tigers would endorse only Kenny Rogers' Roasters brand fast food, if any at all. "It was a conflict of interest," said Casey of the incident, "and I am a team player, first and foremost." Rogers himself commented on the issue: "What happened with Casey was regrettable, but a contract is a contract. It's too bad because neither I nor the rest of the ballclub have any intention of endorsing [Kenny Rogers'] Roasters. You know what they were offering? Twenty grand and unlimited free buckets of chicken. Get the fuck out of here with that noise! I could do one Nike commercial and have enough chicken to eat myself stupid."
Much of America will be glued to their televisions next week to find out which team will go on to multi-million dollar commercial deals and which will have to add their names to children's day camps and burn wards just to stay relevant. "It's a tough game," said seasoned manager Leyland, "it's not for everyone. You've got to be very tenacious, dedicated, and willing to sacrifice. It also helps if you've got a bright smile and your skin isn't too pock-marked. That is, unless you intend to endorse Pro-Activ."

Regrets, I've had a few

I've come to a point in my life that I can reflect and realize that there's no going back, until Doc gets back from the future with the Delorean, that is. For now, I'm content to recall my successes, lament my failures, and assess where I will go from here. I'm not stupidly optimistic; I realize that many of my youthful opportunities are lost and more are dwindling every day. It's humbling, really, and I think it's an important growing excercise to objectively realize that you aren't going to necessarily be the person you had planned to be in grade school. Still, I can't help but regret not taking certain chances and opportunities when they were presented to me, for now they are surely a lost cause. For example, I now know that I will never be able to touch a black person's hair.
I am physically able, of course. But mentally, I know it's a kind of fucked-up, demeaning thing to do, and I couldn't in good conscience feign ignorance. I could have easily gotten away with this as a toddler, when you're laying your hands on everything that doesn't run away anyhow. I probably could have even touched a black person's hair as a teenager, under the rubrick of wanting to extend the olive branch of racial understanding. But I didn't, and I suppose I am paying for my hesitance now. How I would love to caress the kinky tufts of a black man, to squeeze a dreadlock in my fingers and gauge its density! But alas, it is not to be. That ship has sailed, and I will have to make do by petting velcro and imagining what might have been.

America's Brain-Dead Teenaged Workforce in Trouble

Collapsing video rental and retail music industries having an adverse effect on the chronically stoned

Hemptastic, OR -- Most residents of this small town barely batted an eyelid when the Blockbuster Video in the Clover Hills outdoor shopping mall closed down last March. There was minimal fuss raised over the closing of Dangerous Dave's Discs and Tower Records, both in July. This internet-savvy town understands that purchase point retail operations are a thing of the past, when today you can get your favorite albums and videos online from "virtual" stores like amazon.com and imitators. However, they are now seeing undesirable results from the closure of these businesses and other layoffs in the local food service and shoe sales industries: more and more teenaged ne'er-do-wells hanging around the downtown area, most likely up to "no good."

"The closure of several area Blockbuster stores was a purely fiscal decision," began a prepared statement issued to the media by Viacom Entertainment, the gigantic corporation that owns the Blockbuster brand, "We knew it would have some impact on the economy, but we didn't dream it would have this kind of impact." The statement went on to say that it hoped Taco Bell/KFC and Staples would step in and employ some of these layabouts "during our time of crisis" while Blockbuster completely retools its operations to accomodate a new world of online video rental. "When we are done working out the kinks, I can't promise that we will be able to re-employ these lackadaisical teenaged slackers, but we will be able to provide them with the necessarily mind-numbing entertainment that will keep them docile."

A small segment of the academic community, however, has been warning against a glut of bored, ambling teens for some time now. "I foretold this exact thing back in 1974 when I wrote a paper condemning globalization and corporate chain stores," smugly mused Dr. Fertillingsworth from his office in the Economics Department of Princeton University, "At that time, the worry was that chain music retailers would put independently-run operations out of business, the latter being the number-one employer of moronic teens back then. And they scoffed at me then. Scoffed! Well, nobody's scoffing now. Uh, except the teenagers."

For the most part, the teens filling up downtown areas all over America seem harmless enough, they just seem exceedingly stoned and/or stupid. "I am a senior citizen, and my time is valuable," said Edith Rumrunner, aged 78, "and the other day I stood behind some baggy-pantsed vagabond on line for the bus for fifteen minutes while he tried to pick the necessary exact change from his pocket for the fare. And after all that time, turns out he didn't even need to take that bus! I tried to be angry with him, but really, I just pitied the poor creature. I know I shouldn't have, but I gave him a coupon for a free Starbucks latte."