Year-End Racism Report

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for coming to our annual year-end meeting. We are all very busy, and this isn't the most fascinating report of the year, so I appreciate you all making the time for this tiresome but necessary run-down. I'll try to keep it as brief as possible, and will withhold all boring facts and figures where possible. I have worksheets and progress charts available as hand-outs, so see me after the meeting if you're interested in this material.
I am pleased to announce that racism experienced a slight increase in 2006, with general racism against non-Whites creeping up by two per cent. This still puts us at a deficit from our racism spike in the final quarter of 2001, but the progress is promising, and we hope to increase our racist output by at least four per cent by the end of 2007. The small nudge forward in racism and bigotry is attributed to several subtle factors, including (but not limited to) a steady growth of minorities in the workplace, and rap music's fall from public favor as the best-selling pop music worldwide. Interestingly, racism against Blacks remained flat for much of 2006, but considering its already high level, we see that as an encouraging sign of racism's general growth.
Confusion about various Middle Eastern nationalities and ethnicities has also been contributing to racism steadily for years now, with many Americans discounting the entire region of North Africa as "filthy towelheads." To date, we have done little to encourage this notion, but in 2007 we intend to undertake an aggressive campaign to really bolster anti-Middle Eastern racism, by inserting more Arab villains into popular television programs and feature films, and by employing more non-english speaking Pakistani gas station attendants in middle and rural America.
The racist programs we already employ are still doing their respective jobs, with the "hyphenation" of non-White Americans' ethnicities and standardized testing bearing the brunt of the work. Remember, however, our motto concerning racism's propagation: there are no small efforts, just small penises. It's the Jews that have the small penises, incidentally. And I'm pretty sure Asians, as well.
Going forward into 2007, we are happy to say that no lay-offs of White folks are planned, as usual, and we will "keep on keepin' on," as the saying goes, to make racism grow. Various overseas wars, all of which are steeped in racism, will continue unabated, and affirmative action quotas will continue to keep minorities in pointless middle-management positions while simultaneously incensing Whitey. Now that there's a Democratic congress, we hope to increase welfare spending, which always boils the piss of hate groups and White nationalists. We're hoping that 2007 will be the best year for racism since 1950, and with your help we can reach our goal. Thanks for coming.

RIAA Files Lawsuit Against President Bush

Cites war in Iraq as contributing factor to declining CD sales

Washington, D.C. (Dem's Congress) -- In a press release issued today, the Recording Industry Association of America announced that they had filed a lawsuit this morning against President George Bush and the war in Iraq, implicating them as a major contributing reason behind shrinking compact disc sales, which have fallen exponentially every quarter since the conflict began in 2002. A one hundred and forty-seven page document that accompanies the lengthy subpoena consists of a report, researched and compiled by an independent team hired by the RIAA, which details the precise factors that allegedly caused this rapid decline in industry growth, which has caused many recording artists and executives to forfeit one or more of their Bentleys.
Sal Halberdeen, a spokesman for the RIAA, explained their position to a packed room of reporters that had no intention of actually reading the cumbersome report filed with the lawsuit, despite an abundance of colored pie charts and graphs several reporters noted while quickly flipping through the pages. "Simply put, the soliders in Iraq are killing the recording industry," said Halberdeen, "merely by not being here in America to purchase our CD's. Most ground soldiers are aged between eighteen and twenty-five, and this has proven to be our most important demographic, after teenaged girls and gay men--the latter group owing mainly to the hundreds of Bette Midler boxed sets that we have passed off as new material for the last decade or so."
With music retail chain Tower Records declaring bankruptcy last year, and other music outlets complaining of a growth-threatening sales slump, the RIAA says that it cannot afford to allow President Bush to proceed with his new plan for Iraq, which includes sending an additional twenty-one thousand troops into the war-torn country. "An exodus like that will kill any chance for an artist to break into the college scene. And by the time they get back [from Iraq], they're too old and jaded to enjoy stuff like Sublime and Green Day anyway. That's if they get back! We have a saying at the RIAA, it says that every mortally wounded soldier is a lost Gwen Stefani sale. And it's a damn shame."
Halberdeen was quick to point out that the last "A" in RIAA stands for America. "We're not against the war," he explained, "we aren't asking for him to end the war and bring the troops back to our Sam Goody sales counters. All we want is money."
When asked why the RIAA filed a suit specifically against George Bush, and not against the United States government, Halberdeen replied, "Well, he seems to be the only one that wants to be in this war. Let him buy up these unsold Paris Hilton albums."

The Good, the Bad, and the Mediocre

Incarnations of Batman

THE GOOD: The Dark Knight Returns



This is a no-brainer, being the graphic novel that reinvigorated both the Batman franchise and the genre of graphic novels as a whole. From the stark, scratchy rendering to the truncated, pulsating dialogue (both credited to paranoid comic book legend Frank Miller), this book really defines what is meant by "comic books for grown-ups." It's still about a guy dressing up in spandex and beating the tar out of criminals, but he curses and shit. This book can also be credited with planting the subliminal seed that would eventually lead to the murder of the most hated Robin character, Jason Todd. God, I hated that little brat. Exploding him to smithereens was too sweet a death for him.

THE BAD: Silver Age Batman



After Dr. Fredric Wertham blamed comic books for juvenile delinquency in his tome Seduction of the Innocent, and the related senate investigation into JD's that followed, the comic book industry decided to impose a special code of conduct and "tone down" their gritty, urban stories about guys that dress up like circus performers and fly around town throwing cars at each other. Interestingly, though Batman received what is arguably the worst scrutiny in the investigation, with Wertham suggesting that Batman and Robin's relationship was homosexual in nature, the response by DC comics was to make Batman even more gay. And flaming it was, with Batman hurling all manner of stupid batarangs and acquiring new members of the Batman Family™, including Bat-Hound. In the 1960's, the franchise would suffer another indignity with the debut of the Batman television series, starring Adam West. Now, if the relationship between the television Batman and Robin wasn't homosexual, then John Waters can be considered a rugged, strapping man.



THE MEDIOCRE: 1970's Batman



Though many consider the 1970's to still be within DC Comics' Silver Age, there was a big difference in their portrayal of Batman. For one thing, the long ears on his headpiece and the interminably long cape returned. For another thing, many artists of the era portrayed him as a brooding, mysterious figure that stuck to the shadows, instead of the wisecracking punster of the 60's. What really made this era bland was the introduction of his alter ego Bruce Wayne as a real character. Batman was always heir-to-millions Bruce Wayne, a forgettable playboy that used his friendship with Commissioner Gordon to pump him for information about new crimes. In the 70s, writers for Batman introduced a crisis of conscience for Mr. Wayne, and had him wrestle between his compulsion to soar above the rooftops of Gotham City as Batman and the apathetic cad that Bruce Wayne portrayed himself as for so long. Was he Bruce Wayne playing Batman, or was it the other way around? Let me quell the debate for all time: no one gives a fuck about Bruce Wayne. Wayne strolls around charity events and shmoozes with fake-ass crackers, Batman clobbers hordes of henchmen and fights the Joker in an abandoned funhouse. Bruce Wayne calls his lawyer before going skiing in Aspen, Batman dodges giant silver dollars and fights Two-Face on a floating platform in Gotham River. There's no contest. If you really think you've got to choose, then you're probably too pussy to be Batman in the first place.

Perhaps I overstated the importance of my hip-hop "movement"

I admit it, I was being a bit hyperbolic about my hip-hop "movement" and the change it would effect within the music industry and society as a whole. It was an overblown attempt to garner more interest in my music. Part of being a rapper is projecting arrogance, but I've learned that being arrogant doesn't mean being obstinate. I've also learned that if you're going to claim to have a movement, then it's got to have a lot more substance than over-sized t-shirts and claims of personal wealth.
Live and learn, right? You'll never know how sorry I am to have involved so many innocent people in this wayward publicity stunt. When I asked you to ride or die for my rap movement, I assumed you knew that I meant I just wanted you to hang out and smoke blunts with me. Come to my shows, help loading and unloading the equipment, maybe work the merch table for a little bit. I certainly didn't expect you to start proselytizing about my movement or to declare war on other rap movements around the country. I definitely didn't expect you to engage in so many violent gun battles over the issue. When I asked you to ride or die, I should have said that the emphasis was on the riding part.
I suppose that I should be proud that I project such authority, I can get people to align with me so readily. I just wish it was over something like world peace or curbing drug abuse, rather than convincing someone to spit a hot sixteen bars on my mixtape for free. When the governor called me to ask for advice on welfare reform, I knew I had pushed things too far. I could have ended it there, I could have said, "Sorry, Mr. Governor, but my movement is not politically-based, and it only has anything to do with selling records." But I didn't do that. I told him that he should distribute several Streetz iz Skwawkin' promotional t-shirts to welfare recipients as a show of good faith. I didn't realize this would mean they would have to cut out WIC assistance.
Well, I made my bed, and now I'm going to have to lie in it. I've been unanimously installed as the leader of the free world, and I wish I could be more prideful about it. But quite honestly, I am scared out of my wits. I don't know if my rap movement is going to translate very well overseas, where English isn't the primary language. And from what my advisors tell me, some of those countries are pretty pissed off at America. I'm kind of wishing I didn't cut Mr. Skolbrick's Social Studies class every day of my high school's junior year about now.

Your bravery is an inspiration to me

I knew you were courageous from the moment I met you. Unafraid to speak your mind and take calculated risks, you are a breath of fresh air in my life. But it wasn't until last Sunday, when we went to see the football game at Giants Stadium, that I realized how brave you truly are. There we were, in the belly of the beast, and you had the unabashed audacity to wear a cap bearing the logo of the New York Jets! Oh how I admire and and respect you for that.
Some people would have thought it disrespectful or contrary, but I know that you were making a small statement in the hopes of shaking things up a bit. You wanted to unsettle those haughty sports fans from their coccoon of shared fandom. It matters not that you couldn't name one player on the Jets, or that you don't even like football that much to begin with. That just makes your statement all the more outrageous and satisfying. Some would have been embarassed, but I was proud to be attending the game with someone who isn't afraid to speak their mind, even when it's unpopular. I wish there were more people in the world like you.
I was tempted to defend your honor when some Giants fans deigned to call you a "loser" and a "fag." I wanted to stand up, turn around, and point my finger in accusation at them. How could a "loser" show such bravery in a stadium full of opposition? Would a "fag" be so bold as to wear the cap of another team at a sporting event? But I held my tongue, not wanting to tarnish your subtle but effective statement about the futility of sports fanatacism. Bravo to you, my stalwart and courageous friend. You are a true revolutionary, swimming against the tide of conformity. Keep paddling, for all our sakes.