RIAA Files Lawsuit Against President Bush
Cites war in Iraq as contributing factor to declining CD sales
Washington, D.C. (Dem's Congress) -- In a press release issued today, the Recording Industry Association of America announced that they had filed a lawsuit this morning against President George Bush and the war in Iraq, implicating them as a major contributing reason behind shrinking compact disc sales, which have fallen exponentially every quarter since the conflict began in 2002. A one hundred and forty-seven page document that accompanies the lengthy subpoena consists of a report, researched and compiled by an independent team hired by the RIAA, which details the precise factors that allegedly caused this rapid decline in industry growth, which has caused many recording artists and executives to forfeit one or more of their Bentleys.
Sal Halberdeen, a spokesman for the RIAA, explained their position to a packed room of reporters that had no intention of actually reading the cumbersome report filed with the lawsuit, despite an abundance of colored pie charts and graphs several reporters noted while quickly flipping through the pages. "Simply put, the soliders in Iraq are killing the recording industry," said Halberdeen, "merely by not being here in America to purchase our CD's. Most ground soldiers are aged between eighteen and twenty-five, and this has proven to be our most important demographic, after teenaged girls and gay men--the latter group owing mainly to the hundreds of Bette Midler boxed sets that we have passed off as new material for the last decade or so."
With music retail chain Tower Records declaring bankruptcy last year, and other music outlets complaining of a growth-threatening sales slump, the RIAA says that it cannot afford to allow President Bush to proceed with his new plan for Iraq, which includes sending an additional twenty-one thousand troops into the war-torn country. "An exodus like that will kill any chance for an artist to break into the college scene. And by the time they get back [from Iraq], they're too old and jaded to enjoy stuff like Sublime and Green Day anyway. That's if they get back! We have a saying at the RIAA, it says that every mortally wounded soldier is a lost Gwen Stefani sale. And it's a damn shame."
Halberdeen was quick to point out that the last "A" in RIAA stands for America. "We're not against the war," he explained, "we aren't asking for him to end the war and bring the troops back to our Sam Goody sales counters. All we want is money."
When asked why the RIAA filed a suit specifically against George Bush, and not against the United States government, Halberdeen replied, "Well, he seems to be the only one that wants to be in this war. Let him buy up these unsold Paris Hilton albums."
Washington, D.C. (Dem's Congress) -- In a press release issued today, the Recording Industry Association of America announced that they had filed a lawsuit this morning against President George Bush and the war in Iraq, implicating them as a major contributing reason behind shrinking compact disc sales, which have fallen exponentially every quarter since the conflict began in 2002. A one hundred and forty-seven page document that accompanies the lengthy subpoena consists of a report, researched and compiled by an independent team hired by the RIAA, which details the precise factors that allegedly caused this rapid decline in industry growth, which has caused many recording artists and executives to forfeit one or more of their Bentleys.
Sal Halberdeen, a spokesman for the RIAA, explained their position to a packed room of reporters that had no intention of actually reading the cumbersome report filed with the lawsuit, despite an abundance of colored pie charts and graphs several reporters noted while quickly flipping through the pages. "Simply put, the soliders in Iraq are killing the recording industry," said Halberdeen, "merely by not being here in America to purchase our CD's. Most ground soldiers are aged between eighteen and twenty-five, and this has proven to be our most important demographic, after teenaged girls and gay men--the latter group owing mainly to the hundreds of Bette Midler boxed sets that we have passed off as new material for the last decade or so."
With music retail chain Tower Records declaring bankruptcy last year, and other music outlets complaining of a growth-threatening sales slump, the RIAA says that it cannot afford to allow President Bush to proceed with his new plan for Iraq, which includes sending an additional twenty-one thousand troops into the war-torn country. "An exodus like that will kill any chance for an artist to break into the college scene. And by the time they get back [from Iraq], they're too old and jaded to enjoy stuff like Sublime and Green Day anyway. That's if they get back! We have a saying at the RIAA, it says that every mortally wounded soldier is a lost Gwen Stefani sale. And it's a damn shame."
Halberdeen was quick to point out that the last "A" in RIAA stands for America. "We're not against the war," he explained, "we aren't asking for him to end the war and bring the troops back to our Sam Goody sales counters. All we want is money."
When asked why the RIAA filed a suit specifically against George Bush, and not against the United States government, Halberdeen replied, "Well, he seems to be the only one that wants to be in this war. Let him buy up these unsold Paris Hilton albums."
posted by Reggie Hemingway at
9:19 PM
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